The Third Grave
by DarkBard0
Summary: Warning  FF slash.  Summery inside but basically Alex's homecoming.
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: The Third Grave

**Author:** DarkBard0

**Fandom**: Law and Order – Special Victims Unit

**Pairings**: Alex Cabot/Olivia Benson

**Ratings**: M/15

**Warnings**: Femslash relationship.

**Disclaimers**: All things Law and Order belong to people other than me. I just write stuff

**Author's** **Notes**: Something that I wanted to write since the episode 'Loss', and here's the finished product. Basically, my version of Alex coming home, even though it's been delayed a little bit. It assumes that 'Ghost' has never happened.

**The Third Grave**

****

**4:18am **

For a city that never slept, New York seemed as ghostly and silent as the graveyard that she was stood in. Hovering by a small, lonely tree, as though it would protect her from what she needed to do. The cold air of the morning rustled the few branches of the protective tree, the air that sent chills down her whole body as she continued to expose herself to the breeze. There was nothing other she could have expected, at this ungodly hour of the morning. But the burning urge to come here as soon as she had stepped foot out of the airplane had compelled her. She had led herself here.

Alex Cabot had never been one for hesitating. She had always been headstrong; maybe a little too headstrong she had been telling herself lately. Maybe a little too impulsive, a little too passionate. A little too selfish. She had always been her worse critic though. A distant analyser of her own life. She had never had much of a problem seeking out what she wanted. But today was different. It was something that was lying heavily in her stomach, on her shoulders and something that had laced into the very seams of her soul. The biggest crack that her heart had to bear.

Taking another breath of a thousand whilst she had been pondering by her tree, Alex sighed it out and almost with a will of their own, her feet began to move. The breeze pressed into her face a little more, whispering through her long, blonde hair. But her mind was not on the wind. It had never been on the wind. Her mind had been on exactly what her eyes had been. Those strikingly beautiful, strangely penetrating, electric blue eyes. They had been set on the three, perfectly aligned graves a few paces in front of her. Well kept and almost fresh amongst the other graves around them. Watched over by the small tree that was now behind her.

Cold hands clutched the flowers she had to try to prevent them from shaking. She didn't want to break, but she knew she would. How could she not? There were so many things to say. Things that had been left unsaid, things that had been put off, those that weighed heavily on her. They all rushed up to the surface, all demanding and pulling at her to be thought or said first. There was no order in a mind that had been used to order. No precedent in there of how to go about proceeding. Until one thought stood out above the others. To not think. This wasn't about her mind, it was about her heart. So she stopped thinking.

''Mom. Dad. I know I haven't been in a while. Not at all for you yet Mom. But it looks like Uncle Bill is taking care of you. Me too. It's strange, seeing my grave next to yours. It says 'cherished daughter'. I hope that's still true.''

She paused, lowering her head for a moment. She let the wind blow through her hair, let her ears strain in the silence to catch at least one recognisable sound that could comfort her. Yet still, the heavy silence loomed over the cemetery. She supposed she should be thankful. To have that peace. The atmosphere was thought provoking, serious in its manner. It was what she needed.

''There are so many things I want to say. So many things I left unsaid because I was always too arrogant to think there may not be enough time. Even after you died Dad, I always took time for granted. I was so caught up in what I was doing, I didn't think. And it was you that taught me to think. Think fast. And to stick to my convictions. You armed me to survive law school. To survive life.''

She could almost taste the bitterness that had crept into her. The anger that she felt. Not just toward herself, but to time itself. To life. To fate, if it existed. No one had ever made a true believer out of her. Everything happened for a reason? The universe was right on track? You were supposed to meet someone or do something at such a specific time? That had never taken with her. It took away her choice. Took away her rights and her free will. And Alex was all about choice, rights and free will.

Was it helpful, to grope for explanations like that? Was she supposed to accept that her life was the product of fate; therefore she never had control of it? It was never her choice to become a prosecutor? Never her choice to help people. She had never had the will to stop herself, or make herself do something? She had broken up with exes, taken an interest in people, or made friends with anyone she was directed to? It had all been designed for her before she was even born? What kind of life was that? She had known what she had wanted, and she had sought it out. Her and no one else. But she was angry even at something she didn't believe in, because she needed to lash out at something.

''Mom, you taught me so much about myself. You taught me it was okay to be different. Better to be even. I'm glad you knew, glad that I told you, that it meant the world to me.''

The bitterness drained from her Goddess like features, softening until a small, lopsided smile rested on her lips. Visions floated through her mind. Warm memories of a talk long past with her Mother. A woman she had always looked up to. One of the times that Alex hadn't taken everything for granted. Had actually stopped to make sure her Mother knew how much she loved her, and how much her encouragement meant to her. It had been a good night.

''You were both always so proud of me. Told me to follow my heart. You supported my decision to become a prosecutor. Are you still proud of me now? I feel as though I let you down. I got so involved in my job that it took away my life. And Mom's.''

The soft smile departed rapidly, chased away by a much harsher memory. Of a nameless, black suited Agent. Regrettably having to tell her that at some point in the early hours, Mrs V Cabot suffered a fatal heart attack and died. Had died thinking her only daughter was dead, killed brutally at the hands of a drug lord. Died alone, without her there to sooth her.

''My conviction _ruined_ her. You supported me and I caused your death. You thought I was murdered, when all along I was safe. I caused you that pain. I caused the stress it brought into your life.''

The bitterness was back, bringing more anger with it as tears stung mercilessly in her tortured, soulful eyes. Alex knew this was the most lost she had ever been. Even as she had been taken away from everything she had ever known, she had still felt her sense of self, grounded securely within her. Now? She was standing in an empty, uncaring graveyard, devoid of comfort, staring at slabs of smooth marble. Marble that threw back names, dates and personalisation's at her. It made her feel sick.

''I was selfish and I'm sorry. You gave me so much, and I won't forget. I'll follow my heart like you taught me. But I'll always carry the pain that I bestowed on you Mom. By recklessly abandoning what got me to where I was. I won't forget, I promise you.''

Wiping at the tears, her voice breaking into a softer, childlike voice as her shaky legs took a step forward so she could reach over, and place the flowers her hand had been gripping, onto the grave. Sniffling as a small gust of wind blew past her; Alex stood back up and took a step back. Watching for a moment, almost expecting something to happen. Waiting for anything. But nothing came.

The next time she came here, and there would be a next time, the third grave would be gone. The soil around it disturbed, but hardly visible to the human eye. The symbolic gesture portraying that Alexandra Grace Cabot had her life back. But at the moment, it felt as empty as the coffin laying in the soil beneath it.

''I'll always love you.''

Said as an oath, one she would honour forever. She had pledged to carry it all with her as long as her life would allow, and anyone that knew her knew she would. She would take it on board, letting it mix with the already mysterious essence that floated around her. That which people always desired to find out, explore, delve into. She would let it add to the whispering secrets, living deep inside the fire in her eyes. She'd never forget.

The small tree drooped a little, weeping in her misery as she passed it by.


	2. Chapter 2

**5:03am **

She was hesitating again. Questioning herself, doubting herself. The anxiety pushed through her veins, interlinked with the adrenaline and fear. The numbness faded in and out, irregular and mocking in its patterns. She felt sick again. This time it was accompanied with light-headedness. Her thoughts were starting to become sluggish and helpless. She needed this. She knew that much. But that's the only thing she did know, even though she was pressing the buzzer.

It took a couple of minutes, and she felt her hands begin to shake. Then she realised it wasn't just her hands. She knew the colour had drained from her a little. She knew she couldn't stand before some stone, welcomed by silence as she said what she had to say. She didn't even know what she had to say. But the same burning urge had compelled her to come here. Even knowing the hour, she hadn't been able to wait.

There was simply silence. A silence so quiet it boomed with a terrifying loudness through her ears. Intensified with the sleepy, emotive dark eyes boring a hole into her right now. She watched the questions, the emotions, run through them. The shock. It made her feel as though she were some piece in a museum. To be taken in, pondered on whether she was worth anything or not. It was wrong to think that. Because she knew those eyes had never thought like that. Had never objectified her like that. And even though if things had changed too much, they still would feel the enormous relief of having her here.

''You're actually here?''

Hurt and worry flashed into the dark eyes as they searched the immediate area. She was looking for discrepancies. Things that were not so obviously out of place. The tell tale signs that told her this was not real. That despite her desperate wishes and pleas, Alex was not standing before her. She was looking for signs of a dream. A dream she had had a thousand times, and it cracked the other woman's heart a little deeper upon seeing it.

''Yes.''

Nothing else would come out. Just seeing her again had put a stop to the whirling chaos in her mind. Everything else had slipped away, her body taking a breath whilst it had the chance. It knew, as she knew, there was much more to come. There were complications. There were raw emotions. There was lost time. Time that Alex had stolen from herself, and Olivia.

''It's early. I know. I'm…''

Alex had cleared her voice weakly, in effort to stop the crack in it from being too evident. She didn't want to read as an open book. Didn't want to show all her cards in one go. Not right now. There were things to be done, to be said. It wouldn't be right. She had been plunged in and out of lives as though she were a rag doll, but this time she could assert a certain amount of control. Over herself at least. If Olivia had let her get any further.

''Don't.''

As she had been about to apologise, Alex had shifted her gaze down toward her feet, not being able to match the brunette's stare any longer. Also the move had been to try and gather herself up. But the whisper, soft and pleading, made her look back up. She saw dampness in Olivia's eyes. Relief even. That meant something. It gave her some confidence. To know that was still in her.

''Don't say you're sorry. Come inside.''

Olivia's voice was still riddled with sleep, but as always, it still held a depth to it. Now, it came across as reassuring to Alex. Saying that she didn't care about the time. Her dark, bottomless eyes didn't relent in watching the blonde as she moved aside, pushing the door further open, to admit entrance to her. It was as though they needed to watch her, needed to take in all they possibly could. They hadn't set sight on her for two years.

The apartment was welcoming, as it always had been. A soft, sleepy atmosphere lingering through the darkened air. It was warm and welcoming and exactly how Alex remembered it. A few changes here and there, but still essentially Olivia's. It was comforting to be here. In the back of her mind, Alex had desperately wanted something familiar to go to. She had no apartment, no real place that she could relax in. Apart from here. After the ordeal she had been through, she had needed the safety, normalcy and familiarity of something that had been part of her life before. Olivia's served as more than that.

''I'll make some coffee.''

Olivia's voice snapped Alex out of her daze, and she turned to watch the Detective begin to potter about in the kitchen. Now that the brunette had something to concentrate on, she didn't look at the former prosecutor. So Alex's distinct blue eyes took the chance to watch her instead. Took in the mussed up, dark chocolate, now longer hair, the slightly sleepy tint upon her face that was slowly wearing off as she came around. The creased from sleep light blue strap top, matching with a pair of thin cotton pants, then the grey jacket she must have picked up to throw on to answer the door. It made Alex smirk inside, but she was still too numb to let it reach her lips.

''What happened?''

Olivia still hadn't looked at her yet, still too engrossed in making the coffee. Still, Alex knew what she was asking about. What had happened to bring her to her door in the early hours of the morning. Alex blinked a couple of times as she remembered the conversation she had had with another nameless Agent two days ago. When he had informed her that if she so wished, she could have her life back. That no danger seemed present anymore. That Caesar Velez was dead. She was still in shock herself. He was dead, she was alive. Or she could be. It was her choice. Alexandra Cabot could remain a ghost. It was a choice she had to make soon.

''I don't know all the details myself. All I know is another gang got a man into the organisation. He sabotaged it from within, created so much paranoia that there was a mutiny. It ended in a war between themselves. Velez and the high-ranking officers were killed during a shootout. Most of the gang were either killed or ran. Therefore I have the chance to get my life back.''

At the last sentence Olivia turned to look at Alex, a frown clearly crossing her face. She was fully awake now, and the initial shock she had suffered seeing Alex standing at her door had vanished. It had been placed with a thoughtful, yet slightly combative look.

''You get a **chance** to get your life back? What does that mean?''

Alex cringed inwardly, realising what she had just said. She felt the hurt that was washing over Olivia's tone and expression slam into her, creating a sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach. This was going to be hard, she had known that from the time she had decided to travel back to New York as soon as she could organise it. She had planned out in her mind how things would play out, what she would do, but now she was face to face with the Detective, it was more difficult than she imagined.

''It means I have to find out if there's a life left for me to live here. I left my home, my friends, my career. I left you. I needed to find out if I could get those things back before I made my decision.''

Apparently Olivia had lost all interest in the coffee. She had turned to face Alex properly; the only thing separating them was the breakfast island. As she looked at the blonde, Olivia began to realise the doubts that had crept into Alex's head. It must have been scary coming back here. Back to everything she left behind. For two years Alex had been gone, and everything in her life had been left to continue on. Including her. And she knew how the attorney thought. Alex would never have expected her to wait for her return. That's why she looked so scared right now. She was waiting to see if everything they had had together before she was sent away was still there.

''I won't lie to you. I tried to move on. But no one was you. I just couldn't do it knowing that you were out there and had the possibility of coming back to me. You're it for me.''

Relief was an understatement. Relief wasn't what Alex was feeling. It was much stronger than that. Much more forceful. She had been read all the fairytales when she was a little girl. Told about Prince Charming swooping in to save the damsel in distress. There was always a beautiful, perfect lady in need of a swooping Prince. Only life had turned out a little differently than those fairytales. And not one of them had told a love story involving a New York sex crimes Detective and her special prosecuting ADA. The fact was, Alex had lost her hope in fairytales between the time she became a teenager up until she met Olivia Benson.

Olivia hadn't saved her exactly. It was something all together different from that. It was as though she had opened a door inside of her. And it was then that Alex started believing in fairytales again. Not your typical standard issue fairytale of course, but their own version of one. They had loved each other with intensity. Alex had been very aware of how much Olivia idealised her. Worshipped her. But after two years apart, she would never have expected that to last. Now though, she had it confirmed that her own unique version of Prince Charming was swooping for her.

''I love you Alex.''

In the few seconds that Alex had been drifting in thought, basking in what it felt like to be readily accepted back into Olivia's life, to be told that no one on earth could satisfy the Detective but her, Olivia had moved. She had slipped around the counter, and stood only a couple of feet away from the blonde. Standing there, piercing her with a serious, sincere stare as she spoke with the gravity of emotion in her voice. It was the simple truth of the matter. Olivia knew she would have waited for eternity to have Alex back. She loved her. There could be no one else, she'd learnt that quickly. In the haze of her grief after Alex had been taken away, she had made some mistakes. Mistakes that she hadn't repeated. Alex was her ship. Her love went wherever she did.

''Say it again.''

Alex whispered, not being able to stop her eyes from watering up. She was barely managing to keep herself composed. The last two days, especially the last couple of hours, had been like an emotional hurricane. Everything inside of her had been put through the wringer and she was exhausted because of it. Now she felt safe again. Here with the woman that still loved her, still worshiped her.

''I love you.''

Olivia nobly repeated, her voice a hoarse whisper as she tried to keep herself from crying too. She knew she would give in eventually. She had been waiting for Alex to walk back into her life. She had thought everyday that she was ready for it to happen. That she wouldn't be surprised when it did. That she wouldn't be shocked. She would be cool and prepared and ready to start over. But she wasn't. She was just as much of a wreck as Alex was. The last person she had expected to open her door to had been the blonde Goddess in front of her.

''No, I meant my name.''

Weighed down with the thickness from her emotions, Alex whispered too, feeling herself inch a little closer to the Detective in front of her. Raising a trembling hand, she hovered it over Olivia's face, before barely touching her cheek. Her eyes watched in fascination as she sniffled, taking in how soft the other woman felt.

''Alex…''

At the touch, Olivia gulped and closed her eyes, letting Alex do what she needed to. She knew that whatever she was feeling right now, Alex must have been feeling ten times over. It was her that had been thrown into a different life after being ripped away from her own. Despite the heartache, Olivia couldn't help but feel so proud. She'd been proud to have been part of Alex's life. She'd been proud watching Alex stand up for what she believed in. It's one of the many reasons why she'd fallen for the attorney in the first place. Her courage. Her talent at being so strong yet so vulnerable at the same time. Like now.

''No one's called me that in _so_ long. Thank you.''

Olivia sucked in a small, quiet breath as Alex leaned forward and pulled her gently into a loose embrace. It felt like heaven being in her arms again. So much so that she forgot what to do for a moment, as she just stood and experienced the feeling. Then, when her brain kicked back into gear, she let her arms wrap themselves around the blonde. Gently though, just like Alex was holding her. As if they both were afraid of breaking the other. Until they became more confident, and started trusting themselves to hold tighter.

''I missed you so much.''

Alex's whisper sent shivers down Olivia's spine. Now that her dream was finally a reality, now that Alex was actually here and in her arms, she felt all the emotions begin to stir in her. Emotions that she had refused to acknowledge much in the last couple of years. She'd pushed them down in an attempt to remain strong, because it had been the only way she had been able to continue.

Olivia had resisted her feelings back when she first realised she was falling for the then ADA. Told herself that it wasn't happening. The first reason being she never thought in a million years that Alex would return her affection. She was younger, strikingly beautiful, part of the high society elite and so many other things that Olivia thought she would never be able to touch. The other reason was that after what she saw, day in and day out, it was difficult to remember that the world still held some humanity. That love still existed. That happiness still existed. But Alex had proved her wrong on all counts. She turned out to be quite different from what she let people see, and she proved that love and happiness still existed, despite what they saw. Olivia had told Alex once that she had saved her life. And she still thought that. By no means had she needed to be saved, but in a way that was what Alex had done. If the good things in life had continued to pass Olivia by, eventually it would have burnt her out.

''Olivia…''

Olivia came back to reality after drifting away with her thoughts, in time to feel Alex's weak struggle to escape the embrace. Quickly, Olivia let go of the woman she loved, concern covering her face, to find that Alex looked flustered, worried and panicked. Olivia's frown deepened, her concern rising, as she realised that the blonde had dropped paler. Too pale for her liking. It was also then that she noticed how tired Alex looked.

''I'm sorry…I think I'm going to be sick.''

Olivia sprang into action immediately. Taking Alex's hand, and placing a hand on the small of her back, the Detective guided her towards the bathroom. Not fast enough to make Alex feel sicker, but not slow enough not to make it in time. She could see already that the blonde was devastated with her sudden condition, and Olivia knew her too well not to think Alex was mad at herself. She'd be cursing herself silently, thinking herself weak. Something that the brunette had never seen her as. On the contrary, she thought the other woman one of the bravest she had ever met. Still the idea of what Alex had been through, the toll that it had taken on her, roamed Olivia's mind. She had no idea what had happened these past couple of years. And she wanted to. Desperately wanted to. They were years that had been taken away from them. Not by Alex. Not by the DEA. Not by the victim, or the job. But by one drug lord whose buddy had raped a girl. And undercover cop. They'd been robbed on account of him. And these past couple of days, Olivia knew that if in Alex's place, she wouldn't have been able to rest. This was the end result.

Olivia felt Alex push her away, weakly, but strong enough to push her into a sitting position rather than a crouching one. The older woman had managed to get her former ADA into the bathroom, and she was currently leaning over the toilet bowl, letting her hair surround her face. She didn't look up as she shoved Olivia, didn't vocally object to her being there. Not that Olivia would have paid any mind to her objections. Just like she ignored the shove she had just received. Instead, she just sat back up again, and scooped Alex's hair up out of the way affectionately.

''Don't…''

Alex begged more than objected. Her voice barely above a shaky whisper. She hated this. Loathed feeling so exposed. She had been sick in front of Olivia before. Then too she had tried to make her leave. Alex just wasn't used to letting people see her like that. She wanted people to see her how she wanted them to see her. And right now, after she had just walked back into Olivia Benson's life, she didn't want to portray herself as some feeble little girl. This was not how she had imagined things would go. Especially now that she knew Olivia loved her, and only her. That she was her one. She didn't want this to happen.

''Alex, I'm not going anywhere. It's okay. Get it out.''

Alex knew she might as well give in. No matter how stubborn she was, she knew she wouldn't manage to get Olivia to leave. And really, despite her embarrassment, she didn't want her to. It was nice to be with somebody. It was even better to be with Olivia. Alex had spent the last 2 years alone. No one had been there for her like Olivia was now. Like Olivia had been every single day before this all happened. And right now, Alex didn't think she could bear letting the brunette out of her sight. So she allowed herself to do what Olivia said. She let go, and got it out.

''When did you last sleep Alex? Eat even?

Olivia probed gently, feeling Alex's body relax after a couple of minutes heaving into the toilet bowl. She reached up for a cloth, and handed it to a grateful blonde. Olivia watched those never ending, electric blue eyes try to remember. Then, after a moment, Alex came up blank and shrugged lightly.

''I'm not sure.''

She replied softly, then cleared her throat. She watched as Olivia stood up and held her hand out. Without hesitation, Alex took it and stood. Her mind went numb as the lack of sleep caught up to her. She was exhausted, and until Olivia had pointed it out, she had been refusing to acknowledge it. Now though, she had no choice. One because the feeling was overwhelming her, and two because Olivia was now insistent on getting her ready for bed. Before she even knew it, Alex had brushed her teeth, and changed into some light pyjamas. Now, she let her sort-of-girlfriend lead her into the bedroom.

''When do you leave for work?''

Olivia didn't need to see Alex's face to see that she didn't want her to leave. Desperately so. The tone of her voice spoke volumes, as the Detective pulled back the bed covers, on the left side of the bed of course, and gestured Alex in.

''I'm not going anywhere.''

The reply visibly relieved Alex, as she climbed into the bed sleepily. She felt safe again. She could smell Olivia on the pillow and she knew she was home again.

Olivia smiled to herself, as she pulled the cover over Alex as the blonde settled down. Crossing around the bed, she closed the door and pulled off her jacket before getting onto the bed. Immediately, Alex gravitated her way as she sat down, resting her head on her lap and one hand holding onto her thigh.

''I love you Olivia.''

Olivia looked down as she heard the sleepy whisper, and smiled again as she heard the soft sounds of breathing, telling her that Alex had already fallen asleep. She felt the heat of the tears pooling in her eyes, and didn't make an effort to stop them from rolling down her face. Instead, she just listened to Alex's relaxed breathing, happy to feel the weight on her lap. It was how it was supposed to be.

With a trembling hand, Olivia began to stroke through soft, blonde hair. Hair that she used to run her fingers through, knowing that it soothed her girlfriend. It had always been a technique to lull Alex into sleep, or comfort her after a horrible case, or just to make her feel special when they were sitting around in front of the TV. A lot of the time, Olivia hadn't realised she had been doing it. And she hadn't realised how much she would miss it. Of course that was, until Alex wasn't in her life anymore. But now she was. She was right here, in her bed, in her arms, where she was supposed to be. She wasn't in danger anymore. She didn't have to worry about some drug lord beating down the door and shooting her down. She had her back. And with it, her own life back. Never in a million years did she think another person could take her heart so completely. But Alex Cabot had.

After a moment, Olivia sniffled and wiped her eyes quickly. Leaning down, she placed a kiss atop the sleeping beauty's head, and lingered there, as she smelt her shampoo. She still smelt like her Alex. Some habits died hard she supposed. After that, she cleared her throat lightly and reached for the phone on the nightstand next to her. She had meant what she said to Alex, she wasn't going anywhere. Not today. Maybe not even tomorrow. She needed some time to digest all of this. And Alex would need her too. However much she protested that she could handle getting her life back together, Olivia knew that she'd need her there. Which was good, because the Detective planned on doing just that. Work could cope without her for a couple of days.

**8:04am **

Elliot Stabler yawned discretely, as he stood amid the already busy squad room, hanging up his coat. The Detective had been up for most of the night, looking after his sick son, but he was still ready to face another day of work. He thought of Dickie, who had a pretty bad case of the flu, who would still be in bed right now. His wife, Kathy, had taken a couple of days off to look after him. But through the night, Elliot had decided to take over. He couldn't let Kathy look after their boy 24/7, and he wanted to be there for his son. His job took him away from his family enough. Made him keep strange hours, often limiting his time with his children. He wanted to be a Father to them, and a husband to his wife. He didn't want them to think his job came first.

Moving over to the coffee pot, and eyeing it suspiciously, Elliot looked around. There was the normal, general bustling of the unit. Officers and Detectives doing their thing, phones ringing, monitors beeping and people talking. The ex marine wished it didn't have to be so busy. Not because he was tired, but because the unit busy only meant one thing. That the horrendous crimes they had to deal with were in full swing. And Elliot wished that his job wasn't really necessary.

''Elliot...''

Elliot looked around at the call of his name, now being snapped back into reality after submerging himself in his own thoughts. Pausing midway of tilting the coffee pot so the black sludge would come pouring out into his mug, he looked at his Captain. He didn't know how long he had been here, but already he looked overworked. He came striding over to him, without his jacket and with his shirtsleeves rolled up to his elbows.

''S'up Captain?''

Came Elliot's response, knowing that the piece of paper Cragen was holding was going to send him off somewhere. Either something to do with an open case, or a brand new one.

''Lab called for you. They found something on your Molly O'Dwyer case. They want you down there.''

Elliot took the message slip from his Captain, a man he respected more than his own Father. He had learnt a lot from the older man, something that he was grateful for. Cragen was perhaps one of the most dedicated men Elliot had ever met. Out of everybody, he stayed in this place the longest. He left last and arrived first. A man that was unwilling to kiss ass to get ahead. A man that refused to bend over for the people over his head. This was his squad, his calling. And he carried out his job with earnest, and directed his Detectives well.

''Okay. I'll just wait for my partner to arrive and we'll get down there.''

Elliot found it odd that Olivia wasn't here already. She was usually there before any of the other Detectives. Usually had something important to tell him about their case. She'd have some theory, or would have worked something out, found a link. Anything. But at the moment, she wasn't anywhere to be seen. It struck an odd note in Elliot, and he wondered where she was. Then, as he looked back at Cragen, he knew that something was different.

''She called too. She's taking a couple of personal days. You're flying solo.''

After that, Cragen was rushed by two other Detectives, and Elliot was left alone. Olivia taking personal days? That didn't sound right. She just didn't take time off like that. Especially so suddenly. The woman had been forced into taking some vacation time, had been strong-armed out of the squad room when she had been sick. It just wasn't like her to vanish without telling him what was going on. Maybe she was sick? Olivia didn't have any family, so Elliot knew it wasn't a family emergency. So he was left confused. He hoped his partner and best friend was okay. He knew it was hard for Olivia to open up, after everything she'd been through, but he wanted to at least know she was okay.

So, with the intention on catching up with her later, Elliot forgot about his coffee, and went to pick up his coat again and get on his way down to the lab.

**2pm **

She hadn't been awake all this time. The peaceful sounds of Alex's breathing had lulled her back into sleep. As much as she had insisted Alex get some sleep, she knew she needed to as well. And having the blonde lawyer fall asleep on her had been exactly what she had needed for some much-needed rest. Olivia didn't fail to acknowledge to herself that she hadn't slept as soundly since Alex left.

''What time is it?''

The soft, sleep filled voice floated to the surprised Detectives' ears. She hadn't noticed Alex was awake. But then again, she had never been able to tell. Now though, after Alex had made herself known as awake, Olivia felt her move against her slightly.

''Just gone 2. How do you feel?''

Olivia responded just as softly. Again her fingers found themselves stroking through Alex's long blonde hair. It felt silkier than it ever had before, but Olivia reasoned that off as having missed the opportunity to touch it.

''Better.''

There was something in Alex's voice that betrayed the faint sound of truth. She did feel better after sleeping. Even better for sleeping with Olivia as her human pillow. But the rest had let her demons catch up with her. Being back in New York brought home the ordeal she had just come out of. Her life had changed so much. Being back here had caused her to realise that. And although she was unbelievably comforted by being back here, she was still haunted.

''Even after 2 years apart you still don't know how to lie to me on a personal level.''

Leaning down, Olivia placed a gentle, caring kiss atop Alex's head, and then continued to stroke through her hair. Alex had always been a crappy liar outside of work and inside their relationship. As an ADA she had a flawless act. And to most people she did too. But Olivia had found early on that she could get through Alex's walls, much to the younger woman's annoyance.

''I went to see my parents before I came here. To apologise. Ask for forgiveness.''

Just like Alex knew it wouldn't have done any good to argue over sleep, she knew now not to try and hide her feelings from Olivia. And she needed it out. Needed it all to be somewhere else as well as inside herself. Olivia had always been good to talk to. Alex felt safe sharing things with her. It had been difficult at first of course, considering she was a fantastically private person.

''Forgiveness? You didn't do anything wrong Alex.''

Olivia's voice grew thick with sincerity and conviction. The night that Alex had been taken away, Olivia had seen the self-blame in her lover's eyes. The guilt. It had been hard to miss. Alex's amazing blue eyes, the ones that Olivia had fallen into, had hardly been able to lift up to meet her own. Olivia's heart had broken, not only because the woman she loved was being ripped away from her, but because she saw the whirlpool of emotions flaring in Alex's eyes. Everyday she had thought of the attorney, facing those emotions alone. She knew how hard Alex could be on herself, and she couldn't bear to think of her punishing herself over what happened. Had never had the opportunity to tell her how proud she had been. Everything had happened so quickly. There were a million things that had been left unspoken. Things that would need to be worked out now that Alex were home again.

The idea of that scared Olivia a little bit. She didn't doubt her feelings toward Alex, she never really had. But after their time apart, after going on with their lives, there was no doubt that they had changed. The love was still there, that much had been proved. Olivia had been discontent with any substitute and Alex had come back to her as soon as she had been able. But still, they had both changed in their time away from each other. They couldn't just fall back into their old routine. Couldn't just have a ridiculously happy reunion and live happily ever after. They couldn't be sickeningly romantic and spend their time in a loved up bubble. And they couldn't rush one another into bed simply because of their time apart. All of that wasn't what needed to happen. They had to get used to one another again. Slowly. And they had to get to know each other again. Alex needed time to adjust, more than Olivia knew she did. But all this frightened her. Because she desperately wanted to go back to normal. Just in case love wasn't enough.

''My Mother **died**. She was **alone**. She was **lied** to. Her own daughter caused her so much pain that it made her suffer.''

The thick bitterness came back into Alex's voice, as it grew hard in direct contrast of how it was a moment ago. The sleepy lilt had vanished, instead a cold and despondent tone that cut through the air. The sudden change made Olivia flinch slightly, and her heart thump oppressively against her chest. She hated the thought of Alex believing she had been a cause of her Mother's death.

''You didn't cause her suffering. She was sick, but not because of you. Even if things would have turned out differently, her heart would still have let her down.''

Olivia pushed lightly against Alex, making the gesture clear that she wanted her to sit up. The lawyer complied, and as she sat up, she looked Olivia directly in the eyes. Tears were glistening in her own, as well as the cutting contempt she held for herself on this matter.

''How could you know that?''

She demanded, not cold or hurtful, but instead vulnerable and ashamed. Searching Olivia's large, beautiful brown eyes, she knew that there was something the Detective wanted to explain. She had seen the look a thousand times.

''Because she told me.''

Olivia replied, barely above a whisper. For a couple of seconds, neither one of them seemed to move. Seemed to breathe even. They just looked at one another. Alex in total confusion, Olivia in total apprehension. Wondering how Alex would react to what she was about to say. She hoped it would bring her some kind of peace. Let her mind rest instead of punish herself.

''When you left, I went to your 'funeral'. I spoke for your Mother. After that, we stayed in touch. It killed me keeping quiet about what had happened, but I did. I did it because you gave up everything to keep her safe. Then she started getting sick. When I found out about her heart attack, I went to see her. The Doctor's told me she had gone into heart failure. I knew that I couldn't lie to her anymore Alex. I told her everything. How you'd been threatened, how they had put a contract on your life and her life too, that they knew where you both lived. I told her that you were alive and in the WPP. And she was so _unbelievably_ happy.''

Olivia, upon Alex's silence, told her story of what had happened. The memories were as surreal in her mind as the events had been at the time. Attending a funeral service for her girlfriend who she knew was actually alive had been unreal. The events leading up to it had still been sinking in; the absence of her lover had been abrupt and still not entirely real to her. She remembered standing next to Victoria throughout the service, remembered the older woman gripping her hand. Remembered stepping up to take over Victoria's speech as the grief had overcome her. And remembered holding onto her tightly. She remembered it like it was yesterday, even if it had been surreal to her then.

As the time passed by, the daily grind had taught Olivia that Alex wasn't there. Wasn't just around the corner, in the shower, in her office or stuck in traffic. She was gone. And the least she could do was make sure that her Mother was coping okay. They had always gotten along. Victoria had never had a second thought about accepting her when Alex had first brought her home. And Olivia had always known, had seen, how much Mother and daughter cherished one another. That's why she had done her best to do what she thought Alex would have liked.

''She was?''

The tears that had been brimming on the edge of Alex's eyes began to fall as Olivia told her what had happened. She had often wondered if her Mother and Olivia had kept in touch. She had always hoped that they would have. Alex knew that it would have been a struggle for her Mother, and knew that Olivia would want to do what she thought right by her. This though, she didn't expect. She didn't exactly know what she did expect. The thought of having her Mom know what had really happened, that she was safe, that she had done it for a reason, brought a huge amount of comfort to her. What Olivia had just said, she had realised, had held a great understanding of why she had done it. It held no blame, no anger. It was right then that Alex knew that Olivia understood perfectly well, and had passed that on to her Mother.

''She told me to tell you, when you came back, which she believed you would Alex, to tell you that her death had nothing to do with you. Even if any of this had never happened, her heart still would have gone into failure. And not under any circumstance, must you blame yourself. She said that she was prouder than she had ever been of you, for standing up for something you believed in. For someone who couldn't stand up for themselves. She was glad you wouldn't give in, and she understood why you did it. And she told me to tell you that she loved you. You did nothing wrong.''

The relief that was sweeping through Alex's stomach, her whole body, made her buzz. She felt a little sick again too. Having that weight lifted from her shoulders so suddenly was a little disorientating. That burden that she had promised to carry didn't exist anymore. Slowly, her mind began to accept the concept that it hadn't been her fault. Somewhere inside, Alex doubted she would completely let it go. She had lost a lot of time with the people she loved, time that in her Mother's case, she could never get back. But that chunk that had threatened to swallow her whole, Olivia had saved her from that. She had risked a lot by letting go of the secret. If anyone else had found out, if the DEA had found out, there would have been serious consequences for the Detective. But then, Olivia Benson was a hero in the truest form. Selfless. Many times Alex had watched Olivia go against orders, battle with IAB, do something she knew she wasn't allowed to be doing, but going with her morals rather than authority. She had given many gifts to many people by doing this. Alex knew Olivia would have barely thought about it. She would have learned of the situation and decided immediately. A decision that brought so much comfort to Mother and daughter.

Sitting up, Alex came eye to eye with the woman she loved. In hindsight, she could have really expected this. In reverse, she would have chosen to do the same. As it were, she had never had the opportunity to meet Olivia's Mother. She had died before anything serious had happened between the two of them. She would have liked to have met her though. Through conversations with Olivia, it was blatant that the Detective had loved her Mother dearly. However strenuous their relationship became at times. However difficult it was for Olivia to know the reality of her conception. Alex remembered conversations she had with her girlfriend about Serena Benson. And she sounded like a smart woman, a compassionate one. She had given her daughter some essential tools; ones that Olivia used everyday in her job. Serena sounded as though she had loved her daughter, cherished her even. Sounded as though she was an enlightened woman. But one with a major downfall. The drinking. It had been that which turned her into the woman Olivia had hated. The one that lashed out at her throughout her growing up. Olivia had expressed how the drinking had progressed, and eventually, helped kill her Mother. They had never had any chance of closure. Never had any chance of goodbye or comfort. But Olivia had given that to Alex and her own Mother.

''Thank you.''

Considering the gift, Alex didn't think a thank you was quite good enough, but the gravity she put behind it, the emotion, she knew Olivia would understand. The moment Alex locked eyes with Olivia, she couldn't pull them away, and neither could the Detective. It was like they were stuck. It was intense, but they had never shied away from intensity in their relationship. The overwhelming desire to kiss the brown haired woman in front of her took over Alex's thoughts, but she didn't move to do so. There was still that doubt there. That fear of change. The jabbing thought that it was too soon. She could see the same things running through Olivia's mind.

''I wish we could screw the rules and stop thinking so much, but…''

Olivia whispered, her voice cracked with emotion, desire. She reached her hand towards Alex's face, and wiped the remaining tears away gently, all the while not breaking eye contact. She knew that Alex was thinking the same thing as she was. And as perfect blue eyes shifted, Olivia knew Alex wished it too. But they also both knew they would regret it.

''I know. God I know. We just have to concentrate on putting the pieces back together.''

Alex reached up and took Olivia's hand, entwining it with her own and holding on tightly. It would be so easy to give into her desires right now. Who really would blame her? So long away from the sexiest woman on earth? Probably no one. Except herself. And Olivia. It was for the sake of their relationship that they had to take things slowly right now. They had to do this right.

''Where do we start?''


	3. Chapter 3

**6pm **

''Elliot? You heard from Olivia yet?''

Detective John Munch enquired from his desk. He had been sitting there for the past ten minutes or so, legs rested on his desk, eyes trained on the empty one to the side of him that was usually occupied by the woman of topic. The conspiracy theories running through his mind had practically lit up the room. It was the fact they had no information as to what was going on that was getting to him. And to Elliot, he could tell. They were like the worried Father and brother.

''No, not yet.''

The ex marine responded glumly. It had been a quiet day without his partner. When you worked with someone as closely as they worked with each other, it never escaped your attention that they weren't there on days like this. Elliot had been aware of his partner's absence for the entire day. She was a fixture of this job.

Sighing, he picked up the phone in front of him and dialled the number he knew off by heart. He waited for a moment, then sighed again, wriggling the receiver in the air.

''Got the machine. Yeah, Liv its Elliot. Just wondering if everything's okay. Me and the guys're worrying, so give us a call when you get chance 'kay? You have no idea what it's like putting up with these two bickering monkeys without you partner! Bye.''

Dodging the incredulous look Munch was giving him, Elliot put the phone down and stood up as he stretched and looked at his watch. Cringing a little, he realised he would, yet again, be late for dinner. Not as late as usual though, which was some kind of bonus. The thought of going home to his wife and kids and not being a Detective was a strong appeal to him right now.

''If she doesn't call by tomorrow, I'll drop by to make sure she's okay. I'm going home, night John.''

Grabbing his jacket, Elliot began to make his way out of the quieting squad room, giving a wave of goodbye to the lone Detective. Munch just grunted a little, his eyes still fixed on the empty desk, and then decided he'd go on home himself.

**11:43am **

They had started simple. Alex had begun to feel more comfortable being in New York again, helped by the mid afternoon run the pair had taken together after getting a late breakfast at one of their old local haunts. Everything about the city had come crashing back to her, the sights, the smells, the people, just the way of life that she had had to hide after she was placed elsewhere.

Olivia had told her stories of what everyone had been up to, and some hilarious stories about their friends and some colleagues. The joy of listening to Olivia tell stories was that she threw herself into them. It was never enough to just repeat what happened, there had to be the specific expressions, the voices, the gestures and the rest. Something which the Detective was extremely good at. Her impressions were usually spot on. After a while, Alex had had to tell her to stop because her stomach started to hurt from laughing so much. Olivia had complied, and instead bought them an ice cream as they sat on one of the park benches and people watched.

The pair had just chatted on the way home, about nothing in particular. It had never taken them much of an effort to think of something to talk about before. At first, it had been a little awkward, but as they started to feel more comfortable, they eased back into it. The atmosphere between them was getting more and more relaxed, like it had been before. Offering a stability to Alex that she was grateful for right now.

That stability grew as they eventually found their way home at dusk, and Alex opted to shower. There, she found that Olivia had kept the shower radio that had caused so much fuss a few years ago. Olivia had been dead against having it in her bathroom at first, much to Alex's confusion. It was just a radio. Olivia had just never understood the point, until eventually she had given in to Alex and let her leave it there. She had found out that it was just another one of her girlfriends surprising quirks. After she had gone, Olivia had never the heart to remove it. The memories of Alex singing along, or doing funny dances in the shower were kept in that stupid little box. And the Detective had found herself actually liking it there.

Alex also found some of her old clothes in her part of Olivia's closet. The part that Olivia had one day just cleared out for her, along with some draws, shelves and space in the bathroom. Those things were still there. The casual clothes, the work clothes, they still hung there, all perfectly pristine as if she had been gone a couple of days. The blonde smiled lightly as she remembered how they had learnt the hard way to leave clothes at each other's apartments. Despite their best intentions, neither of them had found it easy to leave for their own homes to change.

As Olivia had been showering, Alex had used the time to take a further look around. Or pry, as some may call it. The former ADA preferred to think of it as re-familiarising herself with the apartment. She discovered, as she thought she would, more of the things of hers that Olivia had kept. Movies, books, music, gifts. The ones that grabbed more of Alex's attention were the photos. Some of just them alone together somewhere, maybe at a party, in the park, on the trips they took. Some with their friends. The memories from each one flashed back into Alex's mind like lightening. It was nice to relive them without wondering if they did her more harm than good. Whilst away, Alex had needed the memories to keep her going. To remember her home. But having them, caused her to feel homesick and more isolated than she already felt. Now, she was just happy she was here, remembering her life.

Now, after a settled night of sleep, they were here. Sitting side by side in a large, prestigious office. The office of the partners, and family friend, of one of New York's finest law firms that dealt with the Cabot's affairs. It was time for the necessities to be dealt with. Revoking the death certificate for starters. The senior partner, a man that had always been there as Alex had grown up, had been elated. The now old man had almost keeled over at seeing the meant to be dead Alexandra Cabot standing in his office, but he had recovered swiftly and refused to let go of her for a good five minutes.

Within a half hour of hearing her story, Robert Willis had begun to get things sorted for her. Which also included getting a member of the families' bank over to his office to assist in reactivating Alex's accounts and such. Whilst he had stepped out for a moment, Alex had explained to Olivia that Robert had been like an Uncle to her, and he had been there to support her and her Mother after her Father had died.

''Victoria called me one night, from the hospital she was being treated in. She asked me to do the most peculiar thing. She asked me to take control of the Cabot estate. Everything that your parents owned, all they had shares in, investments in…well everything, she wanted me to guard. The same went for all that you owned Alex. When I started to refuse, she begged me to do it. She told me she wasn't giving her estate to me, but that she wanted me to keep it well until its rightful owner came to claim it. I didn't understand then, but I do now. She knew, didn't she? That you hadn't been killed.''

Robert's voice was still as tender and kind as Alex remembered it, and briefly, she lost herself in memories of the man reading her bedtime stories, of playing outside with her, going to school functions, being at her college graduation. Then, she came back to reality under his watchful eye, as she smirked a little and shook her head in response.

''No. She did believe I had been murdered. Probably right up until the night she called you. After her heart attack, and after learning the severity of it, Olivia told her the truth.''

Alex moved her head to look at Olivia, still with that thankful sparkle within her eyes. She watched as Olivia just smiled back at her, as if it were nothing. As if being here with her now, sorting through the debris left behind was nothing. It meant more to Alex than she would let on. The attorney doubted she would have been coping as well by herself. She would have managed it, but just having Olivia there gave her the ability to really cope with everything. She was like her rock.

''A very wise decision Miss Benson, one that I'm sure brought comfort into the lives of two of my favourite ladies. Of course Alexandra, this means you now own everything. Now that you're back, I'm handing it all over to you, as it should be. You are the soul beneficiary of the entire Cabot estate. Unless of course, you have any hidden siblings I'm not aware of!''

Alex smiled dutifully at his joke, finding herself more and more comfortable by the second. Being eased back into things by Olivia, and now the warm reception she received from her 'Uncle', were helping her greatly. Neither pushed her, showered her with questions or demands. She supposed they were smart enough, or knew her enough not to do it. Either way, she was grateful.

''Victoria also left a box with me.''

Alex watched curiously as he moved to a small cabinet at the side of the room, reaching inside and pulling out a black, metal box. Along with it, a small brown envelope. He carried it around to her side of the desk, and placed it down, handing her the envelope.

''The key is inside. It's yours to open.''

Alex could sense she was being watched by both Olivia and Robert as she pulled the key out and unlocked the box. Her breath quickened as she touched the top, pulling it open slowly. The thought never occurred to her to hide the fact her hands were trembling ever so slightly, in anticipation. The box was something her Mother left her. One of the last things she did, by all accounts. It could have held anything. Alex felt herself being torn on not wanting to know what was inside, and wanting to.

Curiosity won out of course. Obviously she was meant to look inside. Silently, the attorney rifled through the items, taking quick glances at everything to determine what they were. Mainly, the things inside were letters. Opening one fully, the one that sparked the most interest so far, electric blue eyes scanned the paper intently. Then, after she finished, she reached into the box and pulled out a set of keys.

''She kept my apartment…''

Alex didn't know how she should have been feeling. She had never done this before. Her Father had left a will, of course. One that she had been there to hear read out. But this was something all together different. She was overwhelmed. The meaning of being a Cabot again suddenly crashed upon her. The enormity of it all had still managed to elude her until even now. Bit by bit, it was coming back to her. But this, it forced her to realise the grandness of the situation. She had inherited everything, just like Robert had told her. Her Mother had seen to it that Alex would have everything at her disposal when she came back to her real life. Saw to it that she had every luxury, and everything that she had owned herself. Including her apartment on the Upper West Side. Her last days on Earth had been spent thinking about her only daughter.

In the box, Alex had also found another envelope, this one with a red ribbon tied around it. The handwriting on the front could not be mistaken; it was Victoria Cabot's. Alex ran her finger over her own name gently, feeling the pinpricks of tears behind her eyes. It was too much. Just like this was all bringing her to realise she was Alexandra Cabot again, the letter addressed to her by her Mother brought home the fact she was really gone. That she had never been given a chance to say goodbye. Victoria's way around that was this, obviously. Sorting everything out and leaving her a letter. Alex hadn't had that opportunity, and it hurt.

''I can't do this right now. I can't open it.''

Putting the box back onto the desk, Alex stood up abruptly and walked out of the office. Robert had stood from his chair as she did, but didn't have the chance to say anything before she was gone. He stared at the wooden door glumly, grimacing at the thought of what the young woman was having to face. He thought of what an enormous task was set before her. Sorting through all of this. It must have been hell.

''She has one hell of a mountain to climb.''

He noted, moving his kind old eyes away form the door and onto Olivia. He saw a look of desperation covering her face. The desperation of wanting to do more to help. Although, he could tell she was helping Alex more than she knew. He had seen it the moment the pair had stood before him. He had always considered himself a good judge of character. In his many years in this life, and also in this profession, he had gotten to know a good many people. Alex was among his most highly rated. So anyone in her life, he studied even harder. And his assessment of Olivia proved a good one. He could see how much she loved Alex, how much she worshipped her. And he couldn't blame her for it either. He was even more impressed to find that the Detective had told Victoria the truth about her daughter, giving her some chance to get things in order. He knew this woman could be trusted with the woman he considered part of his family.

''Yeah, she does.''

Coming out of his reverie as Olivia agreed, he came to see that she too had stood up, casting a fretful look toward the closed door. With a smile, he came around the desk and gained the brunette's attention as he closed the box, locking it up again. Then, he picked it up and held it out to her.

''This part of the mountain, I'm glad to say I can help her with. Tell Alex that I'll deal with this side of things, and I'll call her about specifics. She needs to concentrate on other things.''

**12:05pm **

Olivia emerged from the grand entrance of the firm to find Alex leaning against her car silently. Her hands were tucked into her jacket pocket, her legs crossed and her head tilted to the sky slightly. The image made Olivia smile a little, the thought not being able to escape her attention of how cute the blonde looked. Even though Alex's eyes were closed, Olivia could tell that she was beating herself up about walking out. It was typical Alex behaviour that Olivia had learnt to spot a long time ago.

''How you doing in there?''

Alex jumped a little, opening her eyes as she heard Olivia's voice and standing up properly. Her expression a cross between a bunny in headlights, regret and helplessness. She opened her mouth to reply, shrugging and flailing as only silence came out. The truth was, she didn't know how she was doing now. Maybe if she had been asked an hour earlier, even a half hour earlier, she could have answered. Now, she didn't have a clue. One minute, things were going at a comfortable pace for her. The next, things were spinning. The only thing that was a steady constant was Olivia. She was her centre of gravity right now.

''Robert said he'd sort everything out, and he'll call you when he needs to. He said you need to concentrate on other things right now.''

The blonde nodded, looking down at her feet now. Her hair fell before her face, but she didn't move to push it back. Instead, she just continued to stare down as she tried to slow down her thoughts. She needed to calm herself down before she figured out what she wanted to do next. The message from Robert helped, she trusted him implicitly. He would do as much as he could without her having to get weighed down. And he was right; she did need to concentrate on other things.

''You remember the way to my apartment?''

Looking up now, Alex smirked lopsidedly. Things inside of her started to feel a little more comfortable again, as she came to a decision of what she wanted to do next. Going home seemed to be a good start. Going back to where she had lived, to where all of her things were, sounded like as good a place as any to start from here.

Olivia just smiled, nodding in reply as she rounded the car to the driver's side, and opened it up. Once inside, she looked at Alex as she offered out the box. After a couple of seconds, Alex took hold of it as she met her eye line. Without even saying anything, they understood one another. Alex's reasons for walking out of the office, and the fact that Olivia understood why she had.

Upon entering her apartment, Alex had remained mostly silent. Olivia had stood back and let her rediscover her surroundings, finding things perfectly ordered and pristine. Things had been left how she had originally left them. Alex had kept her apartment neat and tidy anyway, being a little of a neat freak when it came to her home. Nothing looked too much out of place. The air smelt fresh, indicating that someone had come in regularly to keep it that way. The dust hadn't been allowed to settle. It still held a feeling of welcome and warmth. It was still a home. Alex's home.

Slowly, intently, the blonde attorney took in everything. She made her way around everything, letting the memories and feelings seep back into her as she did. Almost as though she were being reprogrammed to incorporate a life back into her mind. As she had stepped through the door, Alex had felt numb. After surveying the things around her, as the pieces began to fuse together, she felt more like herself. She felt as though she were getting things back, starting with Olivia and ending here. Never in a million years had she thought she would be able to walk back into her home. It meant that her Mother would have kept it long before she believed she were dead. Long before Olivia told her the truth. Why had she kept her apartment like that? Thinking that her only daughter, only child, was gone and never coming back?

Alex supposed that would be explained in the letter. She supposed that her Mother hadn't been able to let it go easily. Had had to keep something that had belonged to her. The thought touched her, made her feel special. She had always known how much her parents loved her. They had idolised her in fact. Alex knew all about her parents' difficulties in having children. Knew that she was somewhat of a miracle child for them. The Doctor's had told them repeatedly that their chance of having children had been slim to none. Then Victoria had fallen pregnant with her, against all the odds. Alex also knew that her parents had tried to have other children, but their miracle hadn't been repeated. So it was just her. She knew that her Mom would have had a hard time giving up some things that had played a major part in her life, like her home.

Softly, Alex lifted up her hand to pick up a picture of her parents. Her favourite picture, taken before she was born. They were newlyweds, sitting on a blanket with a picnic basket in front of them in the park. Each had a glass of wine in their hands, raised slightly for the camera. It was a beautiful shot, one that she had always adored. On the same shelf, there were various photos, as there were around different rooms of her apartment. Gently, she placed the picture back in its place and picked up another one. This one was taken at the bar the squad used to frequent when they celebrated a won case. Come to think of it, Alex thought they probably still did frequent it. But in this instant, when the shot was taken, she was there alongside them. She found herself looking at 6 happy, relaxed friends and co-workers. All merry and giddy that their long months of hard work had paid off. Alex had another reason for valuing that particular shot, besides it being a fond memory of good time's between friends. It was also the night that she and Olivia had admitted their feelings towards one another. It was the night of their first kiss.

Looking over her shoulder, Alex watched Olivia occupying herself by looking around too. She stood at the other side of the room, gazing over everything. Alex took the opportunity to think about the times she had shared with Olivia. Like their first date, which had gone so wrong it had been unbelievable. The time that Olivia had broken down in her arms over a case. Their heart to hearts, in which Alex had learnt about Olivia's Father and the circumstances around her conception. A million, non-specific memories of the Detective doing something cute, or funny, or special. The first time they told each other they loved one another. The first time they slept together. Arguments even. Alex smiled at the thought of how stubborn and petulant Olivia could be at those points, especially when she knew she was going to lose whatever they were bickering about. Her sort of girlfriend had a million and one quirks and idiosyncrasies that Alex still knew by heart. How could she forget?

Turning back, she placed the picture back onto its shelf. Then, she turned to regard the brunette once more. Still, Olivia was looking around, her back turned to Alex. She must have been lost in thought, not to hear her walk up behind her. But as soon as Alex came to a stand, the Detective turned as she realised she was there. A questioning glance covered her face, wondering if this had overwhelmed the attorney. But as she looked into those beautiful blue eyes, she saw something else sparkling in them. Something that she recognised instantly. She knew what Alex was going to do.

''Alex…''

The tone in Olivia's voice was torn between caution and desire. She desperately wanted Alex to kiss her, but they had agreed. They had both acknowledged there were rules to the situation they found themselves in. Now though, with Alex looking at her like that, Olivia found herself questioning the importance of those rules.

''I know. I'm not rushing into anything, I just need this one thing.''

Alex was also re-evaluating those rules as she lifted up a hand to touch the side of the Detective's face softly. Immediately her breath hitched and her pulse raced. She swallowed the lump in her throat as she leaned in slowly, feeling the heat coming from Olivia. Her heart was thumping against her chest even harder than it had been the first time she had kissed Olivia. After what felt like an eternity she felt their lips meet gently. She felt Olivia's hand slide around her waist, the other entangling in her hair. The attorney didn't object to Olivia pulling her closer, so they were pressed against one another. It was just like Alex had remembered. A kiss with her and Olivia wasn't just a kiss. It was its own, unique event. Their mouths fused together eagerly, deeply. Alex didn't refuse Olivia's probing tongue either, and reciprocated just as passionately.

''Okay…that was…''

Olivia couldn't help but leave the sentence hanging. Her brain hadn't caught up with her yet, and neither had her breathing. That's what had pried them apart, after all. The experience of kissing Alex was something she had never been able to put into words. From the very first time Alex had kissed her Olivia knew beyond a doubt that she was hooked.

''I know.''


	4. Chapter 4

**1:13pm **

Elliot frowned lightly as he pulled his car over and cast his glance up at the old but established building he had just parked across the street of. Quickly, he got out and glanced along at the other cars on the street. Then, still frowning slightly, he headed toward the entrance. Flashing his badge at the doorman, he walked through as his cell began to ring.

''Stabler.''

Flashing his badge once again, this time at security, Elliot proceeded to the elevator, finding it already on the ground floor. Hopping in, he pressed his desired floor and waited.

''Yeah, I found the car. I don't know yet, I'm on my way up. I'll call you if I find anything. Yeah. Later John.''

The seasoned Detective put the cell into his pocket again as the doors opened and he walked onto the landing. Once again his thoughts turned to his absent partner. The longer he didn't hear from her, the more he got worried. It wasn't as though she couldn't look after herself or anything. Elliot was all too aware of how perfectly capable she was at that. But there was something nagging at him. She had never not told him what was wrong before. She had always kept him in the loop. The fact that she wasn't now was putting a bad taste in his mouth.

Perhaps he was being overprotective? Perhaps it was really none of his business. But he dismissed those kinds of thought away, consoling himself as he thought of where he was. He had come here, stood in this very spot, more than a few times before.

''Elliot…''

His first initial feeling was a pang of relief. The door opened, revealing a well looking Olivia. In fact, she looked pretty good. Not sick in the least bit. That made him glad. However, his second observation was the panic vibrating through her voice. The anxiety washing over her dark, expressive eyes and beautiful face as she stared at him, almost frozen to the spot. That worried him. It worried him to have her so shocked at his appearance. It made him think that something deeper was going on. And since she was here, in Alex's old apartment, he guessed it was something to do with her. Olivia wasn't sick. She was in pain. The emotional kind of pain.

''What…what are you doing here?''

Olivia knew it was a stupid question. Of course she knew what he was doing here. He had come here for her. To make sure she was okay. What the brunette hadn't gotten around to telling Alex yet, was that she had known about Victoria keeping this apartment. She had used her key often enough to let herself in when the DEA had first taken her away. The whiplash of pain had caused Olivia to spiral. She had come here a lot, sometimes just to feel Alex around her, sometimes drunk. And Elliot had always come for her. The calls in the middle of the night hadn't even angered him. He had just come to her rescue, without a second thought. Which was what he was doing now. The look in his bottomless blue eyes flashed his concern at her. Showed her that he was here to be her best friend.

Elliot had been here a few times before. Olivia had a habit of ending up here, especially when she was drunk. She came here to think a lot he knew. To reflect on her life without the woman she loved. He couldn't blame her for not being able to let go. If the situation was reversed, and he lost Kathy like that, he feared he would be faring worse than his partner. He had seen what the pair had had. He had been surprised at first, like everyone else. Alex and Olivia? They had seemed the most unlikely couple to get together. But as he had spent time with them, he had seen how well they went. How happy they made one another.

''I was worried that I hadn't heard from you. Went to your apartment, and when you weren't there I drove over here. Saw your car. So…here I am.''

Olivia knew there was more to the story, but Elliot had a knack for summing up things. On one level, she was deeply touched to have someone in her life that looked out for her like that. He was almost like her big brother. They had their ups and downs, but the connection never broke. But on another level, she was still panicking. Elliot wouldn't leave now without her, or without a damn good reason. She couldn't let him in. Alex hadn't said anything about being ready for this. They hadn't talked about this yet. She was only in the next room.

As the Detective fretted by the door, she didn't realise that Alex had actually stepped under the archway between the front living room and the kitchen. Silently, she had watched Olivia open the door to Elliot. He couldn't see her behind Olivia, but Alex had a pretty good view of him. She studied his hansom face intently, remembering how strong he was. She remembered all the head butting they had done at work. All the heated rows over cases and opinions. He was a pigheaded ass, but she loved him anyway. Despite all of that, Elliot Stabler was a very kind, compassionate and loyal man. He was a good friend. He had proved that time and again, and was backing it up now just by being here. Alex crossed her arms as she leaned on the wall, watching his eyes glaze with concern for his friend.

''I knew there was a reason they call you Detective.''

Alex couldn't help put smirk a little, that mischievous little one that she had flashed him so many times in the past. Her powerful, electric blue eyes glistened as she watched Olivia spin around quickly; looking a little less shocked than Elliot did at seeing her there. Well, shocked was probably an understatement. Elliot looked as though he had just seen a ghost, but then, she supposed, he just had. All he could do was stand where he was, staring at her as though he thought if he blinked, she would disappear.

''Alex, are you sure?''

Olivia asked softly, worrying anxiously if this day hadn't brought enough for Alex already. But the expression her girlfriend was sporting, the smirk and the happiness in her eyes, relaxed her. Told her that the blonde knew exactly what she was doing, and she was in full control. It was nice to see her like that. As though as every piece came together, made her happier to be herself. She had shred some of that guilt she had been carrying for her parents, her Mother. And Robert had taken a huge burden from her. It left her open to things like this. Left her open to rediscover her life again.

''I'm positive. It's good to see you Elliot.''

Alex's eyes never moved from the ex marine, who was still gawking at her, confusion written all over him. Then, after a moment, he seemed to snap back into reality as his eyes turned onto Olivia. He watched as she smiled at him, answering the question that was floating through his head. She was back. Alex Cabot was back.

''Jesus Christ…''

Elliot ripped himself away from where he had stood, and walked the length of Alex's large kitchen, then grabbed her up into a tight hug. He felt all the concern drip away from him, suddenly realising why Olivia had been too preoccupied to call him back. Her smile had told him that Alex was in no danger. He didn't know how, or when, or why, but he didn't much care right now. All that was important was that his friend was home. And his best friend was happy.

''It's so good to see you.''

He whispered, finding it a little hard to speak as he choked up a little. Maybe it wasn't the macho thing to do, but he didn't care. He wasn't about to feel ashamed for the tears glazing his eyes because his friend had somehow gotten her life back. He had missed her, probably more than she would know. His heart had broken for her, the night she had told them she was being taken away. It had ripped for both of his friends. And for himself. Alex had paid the ultimate price for her work, something he would forever respect her for. She had never lacked the balls to do her job, which was something he had started to notice early on. He thought at first, she was just some rich little girl who wouldn't hold her own. But he had seen Alex be put through the ringer on their cases. He had seen her fight for them, tear loopholes into the law. Get suspended. Hell she had even landed herself in jail for contempt. He could do nothing else but respect her.

Alex struggled to breathe a little, under Elliot's tight grip, but she didn't say anything. It felt too good to be in her home, with Olivia and her friend. She had missed Elliot as much as he had missed her. He was another part of her old life. A big part. She had known as soon as she saw him that she was ready to let him know she was here. How could she not? Seeing him had made her realise how much she missed him, and the other guys she had worked with. Friends. The people she saw day in and day out. Of course, she had friends away from work. A lot of them. But Alex had a special kind of bond with the Detectives from the SVU. They had been through so much together. Seeing Elliot had made her homesick all over again. She wanted everything to be normal again, now. She wanted everyone just to know she was back. She didn't want to have to go about this slowly. All her friends, all her remaining family, all her colleagues, she just wanted them to accept she was back and be normal about it. She just wanted to fit straight in.

**5:01pm **

Alex had told Elliot what she knew. Which wasn't much really. Olivia had made them some tea, now the three of them were sat at the breakfast counter, cosy in the effortless ease that had surrounded them. Of course there were questions. From Elliot. From Alex. And from Olivia. It was because of those that time had seemed to fly past quickly. As if the world had stopped to let them talk.

Olivia, who was sat on the opposite side to Alex and Elliot, kept finding her gaze wondering across to the other woman. Studying her face carefully. She had done this often, when Alex had been here. Now, she was tracking if there were any changes. Any unspoken story that she could pick up on. Olivia was desperate to know everything. Because Alex was a huge part of herself, and because she was scared. She wanted to know about Alex's life outside of hers. If there had been anyone else. If anyone had touched her, in whatever way. But the small, insistent pang in the bottom of her stomach told her she didn't really want to know. She didn't want to know if Alex had sought comfort in anyone else. The brunette Detective really didn't know how she would handle that. She supposed she would be okay. She would get past it. How could she hold Alex to a higher standard than herself? She had done exactly that. Tried to move on. Sought out comfort in strangers. She had even gone so far as to try and date someone. It hadn't lasted long. Alex was always there.

Olivia drifted back into the conversation, realising that Alex was telling Elliot she had a meeting with an Agent from the DEA to sign her release papers. She had decided to retake her life rather than stay in the make believe world she had been living in. Elliot was listening with interest as Alex told him about the experience. Living in Wisconsin. Working at an insurance agency. Olivia smiled as the blonde commented that the work had nearly driven her crazy. She could imagine that. The work must have been so ordinary, so mundane for Alex. She was built for something more than that. She was built for what she had come into their lives for. Prosecution. The thrill of it was something Alex thrived on.

''Did you make any friends?''

The question, posed by Elliot, made Alex glance at Olivia. Her breath caught sharply, although unnoticed by the other two. She had sensed Olivia watching her for a while. Could feel her gaze burning into her. Now that she actually looked at her, she could see her hanging in for the answer. Alex knew why. They hadn't mentioned much of what they had done in their time apart. Hadn't really spoken of new friends, or anything like that. Alex also knew it was one of the main reasons for their rules. Knew that when it was time, they would tell each other. It was getting harder to keep it in. Getting harder not just to let it go, so she could do what she wanted to do with Olivia.

''Yeah, I guess. A few. They were nice people. I should at least send them a letter explaining my disappearance.''

The truth was, Alex had barely had a chance to think of the people she had met and befriended. But now that she was, a pang of guilt settled into her stomach. They had welcomed her into their lives. She had turned up in Wisconsin, quite alone, and they had taken her under their wings. She had lied to them everyday, telling them fake details of herself. Details she had been told to say. Part of her had actually become Emily. Eventually, as time went by, she began to settle into the circle of friendship she had been initiated into. She had begun to trust the people around her. Especially the woman that had started it all, Heather Dobson. It had been Heather that had been buddied up with Alex, or Emily, when she had first started at the insurance agency. As it turned out, they didn't live too far apart either. Heather was one of the nicest, warmest people Alex had ever met. She invited her to all sorts of things, forcing her not to live a life in seclusion, something she was bound to have done if left to her own devises.

''What was your name?''

Elliot asked, as though it had never occurred to him until now that Alex would have had to adopt a different persona. He was finding this whole experience entirely riveting, happy and excited to have Alex back, and also to hear her story. He had sat with unrelenting interest all this time, not getting bored or letting his mind wonder once.

''Emily Osmond.''

The name seemed to suit her, in a strange way. He gazed at her almost as if he could see Emily in there somewhere. Maybe trying to figure out if she had been in there all along. It was making Alex feel a little uncomfortable. Olivia's stares were making her feel uncomfortable, and suffocated. She started to feel herself disappearing from the room. Receding back to a safe distance, so every sound was a slurry echo. Every image was smudged and unrecognisable. Her blood rushed through her eardrums, creating a sound like a gushing waterfall. It gushed in rhythm with the drumming of her heart. After that realisation, Alex's thought pattern just halted. Just stopped, like they were never meant to be there in the first place. Her mind had already stopped processing the things around her as the world went black, and the air around her turned into something hard, and cold. But there were no thoughts there to inform her she had just slipped, unconscious, from her seat to the kitchen floor.

**10:31pm **

Olivia hadn't slept this time. Too preoccupied with her thoughts. Sleep was impossible. In the 5 hours since she had helplessly watched Alex pass out and hit the floor, Olivia had been theorising why. She had of course, reacted immediately. So had Elliot. She had watched, just as helplessly, as it had been Elliot who had lifted Alex into his arms, and carried her upstairs into her bedroom. Olivia had just stood there, watching, whilst her partner had gently laid the blonde out. He had suggested an ambulance, but Olivia had said no. Alex was exhausted. She was being spun around so fast right now that they would have no idea how she felt. One thing Olivia did know though, was that Alex would have refused to go. So, they had let her sleep.

For 5 hours, Olivia had been finding things to occupy herself with. Elliot had stayed for a half hour, and they had talked a little. The comfortable feeling that had surrounded them earlier had gone now, leaving the Detective feeling weak and subdued. She had accepted Elliot's hug before he left, which bolstered her spirits a little. He was happy for her. Although he didn't say it, she could see it shining in his eyes.

''Olivia…?''

Olivia looked up from the book in her hands, to see Alex moving slightly. As she watched her, Olivia realised that she didn't want her to wake up yet. She wanted Alex to sleep some more. Because she knew, deep down in the pit of her stomach, that they would end up talking. Talking about things that Olivia would have preferred not to know. But she needed to. It was just scary. She was afraid of what Alex would say. Why, she wasn't too sure of. She knew that Alex loved her. Knew she was coming home to her. But the words that were waiting inside of her, were still making the police officer anxious.

''Right here.''

But Alex was awake, and she had called for her. So she reacted immediately. Standing up slowly, she dropped the book onto her chair and walked over to the bed as she watched Alex turn over so she could see her. Olivia couldn't help but smile, seeing Alex's mussed up hair. Earlier, she had covered the attorney with a blanket, rather than disturbing her as so to get her underneath the cover. Now, that blanket was haphazardly strewn over the blonde. As Alex had moved around, part of her shirt had moved up, exposing some of her midsection. Cleary, as she was still in a hazy stage of sleepy limbo, Alex hadn't noticed. But Olivia had.

''How long have I been out?''

Alex wondered, watching with cosiness as Olivia came to sit on the side of the bed. The last thing she remembered was talking in the kitchen, then everything had dulled. Now she was in her bedroom. The room was warm, and felt relaxed. Candlelight was flickering across the walls, bathing everything into beauty. Alex reached her arm out, across the bed and took Olivia's hand, entwining it with her own.

''5 hours. Maybe a half hour longer.''

Olivia responded, almost in a whisper. They looked at one another silently, feeling the pull between them, but also the resistance. It left them lacking in words. Neither of them wanted to bring the ugly subject up, but neither could move on until they did. Alex found herself ripping her eyes away from Olivia's, choosing instead to stare guiltily at a painting on her wall. As she did, she pulled her hand away too, cutting off contact. A sigh managed to escape her lips. She felt the bed move as Olivia laid down next to her, flat on her back and staring up at the ceiling. It made her pulse race just to be this close to her.

''You can tell me.''

Olivia whispered softly, letting her head slip sideways to look at Alex. In the moment Alex had released her hand, Olivia kicked herself for being so stupid. She had added to the cause of Alex's fainting in the kitchen. Silently, through her looks, she had placed a heavy burden on her girlfriend. Made Alex believe that by telling her the truth of what happened in Wisconsin, would sabotage their relationship. It wouldn't. Olivia had realised that earlier. But in no way had she tried to relay that to Alex.

''I did meet someone. His name was Aimery Dobson. He and his sister both worked at the agency. It didn't even occur to me to take notice of him. Not for a long time. But then something changed. I had a bad day. I mean, a _really_ bad day. I just wanted to come home. I wanted to see you. I wanted my life back. Wisconsin was driving me insane. And suddenly, Aimery was there.''

Alex turned to face Olivia now, eyes searching for forgiveness like they had been at her parent's grave. She didn't fight the tears building up and rolling down her cheek. She had cried back then too. After she had woken up, forgetting whose arm it was strewn across her. When it sunk in it wasn't Olivia, she had cried. Instantly feeling guilty for letting go, just for one night.

''I don't know why I let it happen. Why I continued to let it happen. Aimery was such a nice guy. A good man. He deserved something more than I was willing to give. I used him. I used him to let go of the frustration I felt. To bring some kind of normalcy to my life. I just kept thinking 'if I let it go on long enough, I'll learn to love him'. But the worst thing was I used him to punish myself. Every time he touched me, or kissed me, or told me he loved me, I would think of you. And I would be glad it hurt, because I should never have let go that first time. I should have had faith that I would end up back here. With you. And I'm sorry I didn't.''

Olivia watched Alex's face as she spoke, seeing there what she thought to be real despair. The guilt seemed solid; it was that thick within her eyes. Those fantastic blue eyes that she loved so much. Everything Alex hadn't said in words, Olivia could see through them. And it crushed her.

Olivia remembered her own conduct whilst Alex was away. The few, half-hearted attempts at dating. Usually, it just ended up being a one-night thing. But there was one, a blonde, that had lasted a few dates. After that, after feeling the bite of extreme emptiness, Olivia had just given up. Had just abandoned the notion all together. There had been no optimism left, no hope or strength. She'd just left it. So who had really given up between them? Was it Alex, because she thought she had for one night, so punished herself by staying with Aimery? Or had it been her? Who had just gone through a handful of women before giving up altogether? And did it really matter? They had been separated, put thousands of miles apart. But now they were here. Right here together again. So obviously, neither of them had truly given up.

Silently, feeling the prickling of tears in her own eyes, Olivia reached out to gently wipe away the ones rolling down the attorney's face. Her skin felt warm, and soft. Her stomach twitched slightly, still being taken aback that Alex was here in front of her. A couple of days ago, Olivia had been as alone as she had been for the last couple of years. Alex was there one day, and gone the next. Now she was there again. Here. To reach out to.

Alex lifted her eyes up to Olivia's as she felt her hand on her face. She was expecting to find something other than what she saw. Something like anger, or betrayal. Because that was what she had considered it. And not just to Olivia. To herself. To Aimery. Even his sister. She felt like she had betrayed them all. The feeling had intensified since she had been home. It had apparently taken a stronger hold over her since she had laid to rest her guilt for her Mother. Now though, from the look the Detective in front of her was giving her, Alex was starting to think it was about to become severely lessened. All she saw in Olivia's eyes was understanding. Love. That pure, unadulterated adoration and regard that she had shown her before any of this had happened.

This time, it was Olivia that initiated the kiss. Leaning forward slowly, giving Alex ample time to pull away or say something if she didn't want it to happen. But she didn't pull away. She didn't say anything. So Olivia took it as a sign of encouragement to keep going. The movement brought her closer to Alex. Close enough to feel the warmth from her body, and close enough to let a trembling hand to graze onto the exposed skin on the blonde's stomach. As she did, Olivia's head clouded a little, as their lips met at the same time. She could taste Alex's tears, and feel the sleepy, upset and disturbed type heat from her face. This, she knew, was something they could get past. There had been so many things they had to work at to come through so far. Alex had put her career on the line for this relationship, Olivia knew that. She had tried to make it seem smaller than it was, but in reality, if anyone had of found out about it, she would have been in serious hot water. They had learned to overcome the difficulties that came with working together as well as dating. Learnt to leave certain things at the door. Alex had been there for Olivia when her Mother had died. They were barely on the first steps of their relationship, but Olivia knew she wouldn't have coped half as well without her. And out of that, Alex had learnt who Olivia's Father really was. Which hadn't phased her one bit. Looking back on their accomplishments as a couple, Olivia knew they could get on with their lives.

''Listen to me Alex. We were both thrown into a situation we never expected. But you were alone out there. At least I had my friends to back me up. Now, I have no idea what it must have been like for you. I hope you'll tell me when you're ready to. I know that you did what you needed to do. I know that. We both did. You didn't give up on me, or on us. You were trying to salvage something of your life. For all you knew, you could have been there forever. At least you tried to feel something. You didn't just shut down like I did. I made some mistakes I'm not proud of. Did things I have vowed not to do since I was in college. I used people too. And I'm sorry for that. Like you're sorry for using Aimery. But I don't for a minute think you lost your faith in being back here with me. And now that we're here, you and I both know we can get through it together. We've done it up until now. I love you, and I want you back. I don't hold any conditions on that.''

The Detective smiled, somewhat lopsidedly, but undoubtedly in reassurance. After what she had just said, Olivia felt a little lighter somehow. As though something had been sitting on her chest, and she had just pushed it off and sat up. It had been the wall left standing between them. A wall she hadn't known what to do about. Without really thinking about it, she had pushed it down. The only thing on her mind was to tell Alex the truth of what she thought, what she felt. Now that she had, things seemed clearer between them. They seemed closer.

''So what is this? A clean slate?''

Alex managed to shove her voice above a whisper, but barely. She reached her hand forward to brush back a strand of soft brown hair, letting her fingers trail down the soft skin there. Without breaking eye contact, Alex let her hand brush over Olivia's shoulder, down her arm and then her hand. She slipped her hand into the Detective's; smiling a little as Olivia automatically entwined their fingers.

''Clean slate.''

Olivia confirmed. This was their second chance. She wasn't about to let it go for what she considered closed matters. All she could think about was that Alex was here with her. For 2 years that's all she had wanted. Her girlfriend here, and safe. Now those wishes were both true, she intended on getting back to living her life with the woman she loved.

Alex inched closer to Olivia, feeling the rules slip further and further away from her. They didn't need them anymore. And for the first time in 2 years, the attorney began to really feel alive again. As if part of her had really died, the night she was shot. The heavy, suffocating numbness fell away from her, almost effortlessly now. She had shredded the layers of guilt she had accumulated bit by bit after stepping foot back into New York City. Now it felt as though it had left a brand new layer of skin behind, that was humming with electricity. The deep rooted, highly intoxicating desire that was flooding her senses right now, came as no real surprise to Alex. Olivia had always had this affect on her. The former ADA had told Olivia once, as the sun was rising from an extremely long night, that none of her previous lovers had had such an effect on her. None of them had made her feel like this. That, she mused, had never truly gone away. Facing the Detective now, after everything she just said, made Alex feel everything as if for the first time. It was exhilarating.

The blonde attorney didn't break eye contact with those bottomless dark eyes as she gently pulled Olivia's hand closer to her. Slowly, shaking a little, she placed the hand back on the exposed skin of her stomach. As soon as she did, Olivia practically devoured her mouth. It was time to get their lives back on track.


	5. Chapter 5

**9:39am **

Olivia sighed lightly as she rolled over in bed, feeling completely at peace. Her whole body still buzzed, but she somehow felt rested. How that was possible, she had no idea. No person on earth should have been able to claim they were well rested after a night like the one just past. After the activities she had gotten up to with Alex, she should have felt drained. But she didn't. She felt alive. She felt awake. It was almost like someone had turned on a switch inside of her, that she had been trying to reach for 2 years. And overnight, everything had changed. It made her happy.

Reaching out an arm, expecting to find the source of her happiness, Olivia cracked open one sleepy eye to discover that the space beside her was empty. That was odd. Why wouldn't Alex be there? Was everything in the past few days a complete fabrication of her lonely mind? Had she reached such a desperate state that she had dreamt the entire event of Alex coming home? Had she finally lost her mind? Olivia sat up, frowning a little as the niggling questions nibbled at her. She definitely hadn't dreamt it. A quick look around confirmed she was in Alex's bedroom. Back in her bed, that was beyond description of how comfy it was. She could smell her girlfriend in the room. Both of their clothes were scattered across it. Candles were burnt down. Last night had without a doubt happened. Alex had just gotten up. Olivia decided to follow suit, flinging off the covers and padding unabashed toward the bathroom door, completely naked.

After finishing in the bathroom, Olivia dressed, using the clothes that she had kept here before, and then headed out of the bedroom. Walking down the hall and towards the top of the stairs, she smirked as she heard music. That was definitely Alex. Obsessed with her music. Especially on mornings like this. Many a time Olivia had woken up with Alex downstairs, preparing breakfast, music blaring out. It was nice to have that back. To have that feeling back in her stomach.

Making her way downstairs, Olivia passed through the living room and towards the kitchen. Stealthily, using the music as cover, she sidled up to Alex without her knowing it. The blonde was currently far too occupied in weaving to the music, singing along quietly. That was absolutely something that Olivia missed. Alex's singing. The Detective was half tempted to just stand there and listen, but she was overcome with the urge to engulf Alex with her arms. So that's what she did.

Alex smiled, halting in her singing and swaying, instead to lean back into Olivia as she felt her arms slip around to her waist. After a moment, she spun around and kissed the brunette thoroughly.

''How do you feel this morning?''

Olivia wondered lightly, happily. She smiled, still keeping her hold on her lover. Looking into Alex's eyes now, whilst standing in her arms, was as though the last two years had been some incredibly bad nightmare. The time just washed away from her, like the fleeting sense of sleepiness.

Alex took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly as her hand wondered up to run through Olivia's hair. It was longer now, but still as silky soft. It suited her. Added to the subtle, yet striking beauty. Alex had often laid awake watching Olivia sleep, trying to define what was so addictive about the Detective. It had proved to be impossible to define. The closest Alex had gotten was that what was on the inside of Olivia, reflected on the outside too. Two mesmerising beauties that the owner was completely unaware of.

''I feel like Alex Cabot.''

The one, simple phrase summed up a mass of emotions. The complicated series of events that had forced their way into both of their lives, and every detail of what Alex had been through on the inside. Even after being home for the past few days, it wasn't until now that she truly felt like Alexandra Grace Cabot again.

Silently, Olivia leaned forward, settling her hand on the side of Alex's face before she kissed her softly. After a moment, after they had separated, Olivia leant her forehead on Alex's. Her hand slid off the blonde's face, down onto her shoulder.

''Does it hurt anymore?''

Unintentionally, Olivia's fingers brushed against Alex's scar. It was clearly visible, unhidden by the vest top the attorney was wearing. She didn't flinch as Olivia kept running her fingertips over it softly, nor did she feel the urge to cover it up. She knew Olivia had been wanting to ask about it. Whether it was because she had properly seen it last night or not, she didn't know. But it didn't matter. Olivia hadn't even battered an eyelid about it. The scar was just there now. For both of them, it was just a physical feature of what they had been put through.

''It aches sometimes. Gets a little stiff now and then.''

Olivia nodded, bringing her eyes up away from the gunshot wound sized scar and back to Alex's piercing blue eyes. As she began to open her mouth to speak, she was stopped abruptly by the sound of her cell phone screaming out close by. Frowning, she turned, trying to remember where she had put it. Her cell phone had been the absolute last thing on her mind since last night, and she didn't even have a clue as to when she had last used it, never mind as to when she last saw it. Then, as if Alex had heard her thoughts, the blonde moved to retrieve it from one of the counter tops and handed it to her. Olivia smiled gratefully as she took it, then smiled even wider as she looked at the caller ID before answering.

''Hi Kathy. He did huh? That's a _shocker_! Thanks, me too. Yeah, sure she's right here.''

After gaining the distinct impression that Alex wanted to talk to Kathy, Olivia handed her the cell phone. Alex had given her that impression by bouncing up and down on the spot like a hyper kid on too much sugar, reaching out for the phone. Olivia had chuckled as she had let Alex take the phone, then watched her trot off into the living room to talk to Kathy.

It wasn't a surprise to Olivia that Elliot had told Kathy about Alex being alive and well. It had been hard for him to lie to his wife for two years about it, she knew that much. But he had never particularly talked it over with her. She supposed he felt that it paled in comparison to her actually knowing Alex was out there alone somewhere. Nevertheless, Olivia had known. Alex and Kathy had made rather good friends since they were introduced. She and Elliot had often mused it was the whole ''Detective's wives'' deal, even though Alex was very much involved in their world too. Even so, their friendship had blossomed, and it had always pleased Olivia. Elliot was her best friend, one that she doubted she could spare. So seeing him, and his wife, getting along with the woman she loved was a great relief. Even though Elliot and Alex had always had their differences. At the end of the day, they knew how to be adults about it all.

Ten minutes later, after Olivia had finished pouring out two cups of coffee and toasting a bagel, she sat down to enjoy her hard work. She had noticed that Alex's voice had stopped drifting from the living room, and wondered if Kathy was taking her time saying something or if the call had ended. And, as she lifted up her bagel, her question was answered as she saw Alex strutting back into the kitchen.

''Stop. Put the bagel down!''

Olivia's hand stopped midway to her mouth as she received the order. Mouth hanging open, her confused brown eyes looking up at Alex as she moved through the kitchen.

''Why?''

Regaining her composure, Olivia put her bagel down and looked up at Alex as she picked up her kitchen phone and handed Olivia's cell to her.

''Kathy wants to do brunch. I need to make a quick call before we hit the shower.''

Alex had just finished dialling before Olivia pulled her onto her knee. The blonde chuckled, giving her girlfriend a quick kiss, and wrapping an arm around Olivia's shoulders. Then she balanced the phone between her cheek and shoulder, using the now free arm to pick up Olivia's coffee and steal a gulp or two. She got a light slap on her thigh for her efforts, but the coffee was worth it.

''Yes, Elizabeth Donnelly please. Tell her its Alex Cabot. Thank you.''

Alex felt a small pinch in her stomach. It wasn't nerves exactly, but more like butterflies. She wasn't even sure whether it was fear or excitement at this point. All she was sure about was it felt right to be calling her old boss. She wanted to get her life back on track. Which meant getting the ball rolling at the DA's office. She was an attorney, a prosecutor. And she wanted back in; there was no doubt of it. Alex had always known she would loathe to do something other than prosecute, and her time away had proved that.

Really, Alex should have been calling Arthur Branch. After all, he was the DA. But she felt more comfortable talking to Liz at this stage. She had worked with her for 2 years, she knew her better. Of course, they had had a rocky relationship at times. But there wasn't a doubt in Alex's mind that Liz would stand in her corner.

''No, Liz, this isn't a joke. It's Alex. I know. I know. Liz…Liz stop. It's a long story. I was hoping we could meet at your office. 1 is fine. Thanks, you too. Bye.''

Switching the phone off, Alex looked at Olivia, satisfied with herself. She felt that confident way start to flow through her again. And that slight arrogance that Olivia had once termed charming. Not a general arrogance, and not a superior arrogance, but just a dash of it enough to make her know she was a legal sharp shooter in court, and made many a defence lawyer nervous. That feeling that made her believe she was capable of handling such a high-pressured, fast pace job. She was fearless. She was committed. And now she was beginning to feel all of that again, she felt like her normal self. She belonged in the DA's office, and she intended on getting back in.

Her parents had taught her never to give up. Always strive for what she wanted. So she was determined to get over this glitch in her life. She knew she could use her experience. She could incorporate it into her, and use it. She could learn from it. Like Olivia had told her last night, they could get through anything. Alex truly believed that. No longer did she feel overwhelmed. She wanted all of it to come flooding back, because she could only go up and onward from here. But first, she intended on seducing Olivia into the shower with her.

''Olivia? Have I happened to mention how damn sexy you look with that new hair?''

**12:54pm **

''I don't believe it.''

Elizabeth Donnelly uttered once again, maybe for the fifth time in as many minutes. The morning had crawled unbelievably slow, purposely making her suffer. Her thoughts had been a whirlwind, antagonising her over what exactly had happened to her former Manhattan SVU ADA. She detested being out of the loop. She detested not being privilege to the information that Alex had been alive these past two years. The morning, after cancelling her appointments to give Alex the time she deserved, had been spent scrutinising her memories. Searching for clues to detect whether there were signs she should have picked up. She remembered the conversations she had with Alex when she had first been threatened. She looked back on the now false funeral she had attended. There had been nothing.

''You have to believe it Liz, I'm sitting right here. Unless you think I'm a ghost!''

Alex couldn't help but let a sarcastic tone inch into her voice, but left it mainly playful. The urge to tease her former boss had been too good to pass up. It was a rare occurrence that she got to render Chief Bureau Donnelly speechless and utterly befuddled. So she stole the moment to enjoy for herself, inwardly laughing at the older woman gaping, eyes bugged out and randomly opening and closing her mouth.

The teasing though, seemed to jolt Liz out of her fish like state; enough to cast a chastising glare toward her. Alex couldn't even begin to count how many times she'd earned that look. All the times she had gone over Liz's head. All the times she had shown a blatant disregard for her orders. All the times she had gotten herself into trouble. The list went on. Alex mused on the fact she had seen Liz glare at her more than she had seen her smile at her. Even coming back from the dead didn't do much to change that.

''Don't be so facetious Alex. You know better than to think you appearing back from the dead won't stall people.''

Liz snapped, although with a lot less bite than she usually mustered. Although she felt compelled to reprimand the rebellious attorney sitting before her, she just couldn't pull it off as wholeheartedly as she would have liked to. The fact was, she was indeed stalled. An air of profound relief swept through her now that she finally had Alex right in front of her, as proof this wasn't some twisted hoax. There had always been a pinching feeling of regret surrounding the subject of Alex Cabot and how she came to die. Liz had of course, been furious. Standing on her soapbox, preaching to all that would listen. She had reamed everyone she could for not protecting Alex. Now she realised, they had. Just not in the way she would have liked.

''Liz, I didn't mean to upset you. Of course I know it will. It has. But I can't do anything to change that. The fact of the matter is, I'm alive. And I want my life back. I think I deserve it back.''

Alex negotiated carefully, knowing what a quick temper the lawyer had. She didn't take the reprimand to heart. She understood where it came from. Tactfully she began to change the subject, bringing into focus the reason she was here. Why beat around the bush? Liz understood the drive for this kind of work. It became like a drug. Alex had seen it in her as soon as they had been introduced. Liz had that twinkle in her eyes too, just like she knew she had it in hers. To not do what they were driven to do, would be like failure to thrive.

''You want back in the DA's office.''

It wasn't a question. It was a statement. To the casual observer, Liz's voice may have seemed cold. Clinical. Like she was dealing with the average Joe. But there was an underlying hint of pride. As though she was indulging in some credit that Alex still had that fiery spirit within her. As if it were she that put it there. It was of course, pride by proxy. Liz had never had any children. But if she had, she would have expected them to turn out something like Alex. Although she would never admit that freely. And she never let it show to Alex.

''And the DA's office would be all the better for it.''

Both women turned to look toward the door, each caught off guard by the deep, Southern voice that had interrupted them. A voice extremely familiar to both of them. District Attorney Arthur Branch hovered there, homing a gleam in his shrewd, dark eyes and a lop sided smirk across his face. He didn't hide the fact that he was staring at Alex, as though rebuilding a picture back into his mind. Then, he cast his glance onto Liz.

''I came to castigate you on the mysterious order you left on my desk to mosey on down to your office. But given the situation, I think I'll let the matter slide.''

There was still a trace of annoyance floating within his voice, but Arthur couldn't help the lightness that possessed it. How could he carry out his intended mission now? Instead, he took a seat, and listened attentively to the story Alex had to tell. He had always had a high respect for her. She was a phenomenal prosecutor, that could not be questioned. A legal rising star that could have any opportunity she wanted. But the thing that had always impressed Arthur the most, was the fact that she had still been able to keep hold of her soul. Regretfully, he had come across many attorney's that had 'sold their soul', such as it was. Become hardened to the crimes they waded through. Became career driven, intent on getting their goals. They had shattered their personalities. But never Alex. She may have shown people that sometimes, put on a grand horse and pony show, but Arthur had never bought it. Now, after hearing what had really happened at the time of her shooting, his respect level hitched up some.

''That's quite the story Alexandra.''

Breaking the short silence they had plunged into, Arthur took in a short breath and looked over once again to regard the blonde. How could he refuse her entry back into the DA's office? She had given up her life to uphold everything it stood for. Had shown true courage in the face of loosing everything. He hesitated to use terms such as hero, or martyr. He was doubtful of her liking those terms attached to her. All she had wanted to do, and still wanted to do, was speak for those who couldn't speak for themselves. A noble cause indeed.

''Look, I don't expect the red carpet to be rolled out for me. All I want is to do my job. I want to prosecute. All I ask is that you don't shove me into a unit that's too small for me. I want my life back to normal, I already lost 2 years of it.''

Alex eyed both Liz and Arthur in turn, pinning them down with her steady gaze. If her life was a puzzle that she was working on, the DA's office was a pretty big piece. She just hoped that there was something that Arthur could offer her. Something suited to her flare. Something that she could run with, and bend the rules like she had done before. What she didn't waver on was that she wanted back in. 2 years away reflecting on many things had not taken away her desire to prosecute. She hadn't had some sudden epiphany that her talents could be used to teach or defend. She had strived for prosecution in law school, and she was striving for it now.

''Are you sure you're ready?''

Liz asked, one eyebrow crooked pointedly. What Alex had just walked out of was no small thing. Like she said, she had lost 2 years of her life. It wasn't a fairytale and it wasn't something you could just forget quickly. Alex had been home for a couple of days. Was that really long enough to determine what she needed first? Was it enough to get back in touch with herself? Liz knew the girl was headstrong, and that she would want to get back into the thick of it. She just hoped that Alex had properly thought about the reality of it.

''Absolutely.''

**5:53pm **

''They shouldn't be long. Elliot said they just left the hospital.''

Olivia reported, snapping shut her flip phone before shoving it into her jeans pocket. She looked up form her desk chair, into clear blue eyes. She couldn't count how many times Alex had perched on the edge of her desk in the past. For whatever reason. A discussion with the squad about a case. A private conversation. It didn't matter. Olivia must have had hundreds of memories of the blonde doing it. One of the most insignificant acts somebody could make. Yet, when she had been gone, the Detective had missed it.

''Are they in the middle of a case?''

Alex queried, doubting whether tonight would be the best time to announce herself as alive. She didn't want to impede an investigation by being here and getting in the way. It was already close to 6, which meant the Detectives were now officially on overtime. If they were staying after hours, it must have been something important.

''No. Just closed one. Don't worry.''

**7:21pm **

Alex had felt the day slip by her like a surreal whirlwind. Almost as though she had been stood in the middle of a tornado, glimpsing images of the events that had taken place in the swirling dust. Waking up entangled with the woman she loved, seeing Kathy for brunch, meeting Liz and Arthur to discuss her career options, it had all gone so fast to her. But each memory as clear as crystal within her mind. And even though her mind and body was still on overload, she had pushed on, wanting to gain some normalcy again. Which was how she found herself here right now.

Her meeting at the DA's office had taken the better part of her day. After discussing at length what she wanted to do with her bosses, Liz had taken her out for a coffee. Not usually her style, but the older woman was relieved to have Alex alive and in front of her that she didn't want to let her out of her sight. It was quite sweet actually, a side of Elizabeth Donnelly that didn't poke its head out all that much. Not in such an obvious way anyway.

It was in the late afternoon that Alex had found herself strolling around the park, huddled nicely up to Olivia. They had been talking about odd bits, nothing particularly serious. Just chatting, laughing and enjoying the time together. Olivia had been telling some of her stories again, making Alex laugh. It was when they decided to sit on a bench that Alex asked if they could visit the squad. The overwhelming urge to see certain people had taken over her. That and she was guessing Elliot was nearly bursting at the seems at keeping her secret. It was when Olivia had stopped laughing, and told Alex that there was something she should know before they went.

The attorney didn't know quite how to react to the death of Detective Odafin Tutuola. She had worked with him for over three years, but within that three years she hadn't gotten to know him all that well. Despite going out drinking with him along with the others a lot of the time. Fin had pretty much kept himself to himself. At least as far as she was concerned he had. What did shock her though, was hearing how he died. She would never have pegged Fin to eat his own gun. The cases had piled up on him, and he had burnt out. Of course, she was sorry and saddened it had happened. He had been a good cop, in it for the real reasons.

Seeing Donald Cragen and John Munch again though, had been a delight. She had missed both of the older men terribly. Missed the sardonic, cynical humour and conspiracy theories from John. And missed the witty, honest and Father like friendship she had built with Donald.

Needless to say, they had been stunned. Relieved, but stunned. Both men had hugged her like there was no tomorrow, happy that she was okay. It made her know that going to see them tonight was the right decision. Instead of overwhelming her more, it gave her gravity like having Olivia there gave her. It put one of the pieces back to her life, one of the bigger pieces. Alex got along better with her old work colleagues than some of her family. The work that they had done together had bound them closer than she had ever expected.

And that's how she had ended up here, celebrating with them at the bar they had frequented before she had been taken away. They held a booth at the side of the bar, all happy and rowdy as they joked around. There was nothing that was going to bring their mood down. She had been introduced to the new Detective that had replaced Fin. Detective Verity Bradshaw was a young, enthusiastic woman who had a weight in her eyes that told Alex that she belonged in this unit. And as it happened, she was a conspiracy theorist, so John was happy with his new partner. Verity had joked that she had been sold to him upon his greeting sentence ''She's cute, can we keep her.'' Apparently a beautiful partnership had followed.

Alex now stood gazing at herself in the bathroom mirror; before she leaned down to scoop some water to splash on her face. She repeated the motion a couple of times before standing back up straight. As she did, she found that someone had come to stand next to her, and offered out a paper towel to dry her face with.

''I figured I'd catch you alone when I had the chance. Are you gunning after my job?''

The unfamiliar voice was a mixture of politeness, awe and panic. Alex put her glasses back on, and turned her gaze onto the woman that had spoken. Thinking back, she couldn't locate the face in her memory. Then again, she met a lot of people as an ADA. There was a vague recollection of the redhead, but Alex had no idea where from.

''Do I know you?''

She asked, still frowning as she tried to remember. The woman widened her eyes as she silently cursed herself, before offering out a hand towards her. Expressive green eyes pierced right into her, but somehow wasn't as unsettling as the blonde expected them to be.

''I'm sorry. Casey Novak. I replaced you when you…erm…died.''

Casey struggled on how to phrase the introduction exactly. Not knowing whether she was about to offend Alex or bring back bad memories of something she had just come out of. The current ADA didn't want to do that. She had come in here to introduce herself, but found herself threatened over the position that the other woman used to hold. She had come to the bar after receiving a text message from Olivia inviting her down. She hadn't expected to learn that Alex Cabot was alive and well. And in the bathroom. A two minute summary from John had been ''We're celebrating, Alex is alive. She's coming back to work and we thought you should join us in the festivities.'' Ever the word artist. Casey wasn't stupid. She knew Alex's reputation. She had followed her work when she had been in White Collar, more often than not impressed by it. And she had received an icy disposition from the unit as she had stepped into Alex's shadow. Especially from Olivia. It wasn't until some months later, whilst commiserating a loss with the Detective at a bar, that she had found out just why Olivia had treated her so coldly. Upon hearing that she and Alex had been together, Casey understood everything.

''Nice to meet you Casey, I'm Alex. And no, I'm not gunning after your job. But I am coming back to the DA's office.''

Casey felt an internal sweep of relief rush through her upon hearing that Alex wasn't out to reclaim SVU. The truth was, she didn't know who would win out in a competition between them for the unit. Alex was a remarkable prosecutor, but so was she. The only reason she was worried was because Alex had the skill to take it away from her. However, she felt silly for asking outright like that. Rather than laying the groundwork and telling her that she was glad she was alive first.

''I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so hostile. I don't know what came over me.''

Alex smirked as she nodded lightly in understanding. As soon as Casey had said her name, she knew where she remembered her from. A photo from Olivia's place. Olivia had also mentioned Casey a couple of times, when she had been updating her on what had been happening at work.

''Don't worry, I would've asked too.''

Alex knew she would have been just as weary if the situations had been reversed. This was a competitive business they were in, it was the way they had been taught to think. And prosecutors were very territorial people. She couldn't blame Casey for something that was pushed into them at the start of law school. Especially when the same things had been pushed into Alex.

''This is…well…wow! You must be ecstatic to be home. The press are gunna have a field day. You should have seen the coverage when you seemingly got murdered.''

Casey, now that the threat had been extinguished, let the genuine cheerfulness she felt show. When the shooting had occurred, she had been outraged that a fellow ADA had been killed. Especially such a highly noted, brilliant ADA. She had respected Alex for standing up and doing her job, in the face of such a threat against her life. Now she respected her even more, for doing what she had to do to keep her Mother and everyone around her safe.

''Really? I didn't know they liked me so much! The media and I didn't have the pleasantest of relationships. Mainly because I pissed them off so much.''

Countless of times could Alex remember the press moaning at her for some reason or another. Interviews that she refused to do. Details she wouldn't hand out. It did surprise her to learn that they had bothered to cover her death rigidly. And then another thought occurred to her. Casey was right; they were going to have a field day. At some point before her reinstatement to the DA's office, she would have to give some kind of statement to them. And it was their chance to question her all they liked.

''Yeah, tell me 'bout it. Seriously though, it's amazing that you're back. And again, I'm sorry I went all territorial on you. You're just…well, Alex Cabot. Your reputation precedes you. Think of how much bigger its gunna get now that you rise from the dead!''

Alex had to laugh at that. Within these first, initial few minutes, she could tell she was going to get along with Casey. That didn't happen a lot with many people. It hadn't even happened with Elliot and Olivia. Cragen was a 50/50. Munch was bank. Alex had come across few people who immediately struck her as likable. But Casey had come down here, despite her fears, and asked her head on. And even then, she hadn't let her fears of her job being taken away leave her without her manners. Now her quirky, offbeat sense of humour was shining through, Alex was definite that they were going to hit it off. And she was glad that someone worthy had inherited SVU.

''What're you two doing in here? You're not fighting are you?''

Both lawyers turned as Olivia stuck her head around the bathroom door, letting the noise in from the bar. A happy, contented look spread across both her features and her eyes. Casey didn't think she had seen Olivia look like that, ever. She had seen her smile, seen her laugh, and seen her getting along with her friends in these situations. But she had never seen that truly magical glint swirling in her eyes before. Never seen her so comfortable. She didn't even need to hazard a guess as to who put that look there.

''Who us? Of course not. Casey was taking the chance to welcome me home properly. And I was just about to tell her how highly you speak of her and her work.''

Alex wiggled her finger between herself and the redhead, eyebrows raised with an incredulous look and tone that Olivia had suggested they were arguing. She glanced at Casey, giving her a smile that silently told her that her territorialism need not be shared with the rest of the group. After all, they were the only attorney's here, they needed to stick together. So, instead she thought back to Olivia's words when she had been telling of her replacement. ''Kick ass'' had been the exact phrase. Alex had been pleased that the unit hadn't been handed over to some pansy, or a ladder-climbing oink.

''Is that so?''

Casey folded her arms, shooting Olivia an accusing look. It boosted her confidence to no end to hear that Olivia had told her girlfriend that. It was hard living in somebody else's shadow sometimes. Especially considering the personal ties the unit had with Alex. It was difficult to gage what they thought of her, and what they thought of her work.

''I told you not to say anything. Now she's gunna be a pain in the ass!''

Olivia scorned Alex playfully, letting her trademark lop sided smirk crawl up her lips. The truth was, after she had stopped blaming Casey for being in Alex's shoes, she had realised how good she really was. She had even put her neck on the line and covered for Elliot not long after she had started. Someone who would go to bat for them like that was worth keeping. And, eventually, as she had let the younger woman in, she had found her to be a good friend. The anger at having been treated so badly had dissipated the second Olivia had explained why. No grudge rested over her head. Casey had been nothing but supportive of her.

''I'm always a pain in your ass; it's my newfound hobby. C'mon, our drinks'll get warm or liberated if we stick around here much longer.''

Casey grinned sweetly, letting her arms fall to her side as she looked between the other two women. Alex nodded in agreement, walking forward with her to the door which Olivia held open from them both. It was good to be home.


	6. Chapter 6

**9:12am **

Alex had wondered on the plane journey to New York, how all of this was going to settle with her. At the time, the weight within her stomach had been oppressive. The heavy guilt she had been carrying over her Mother's death the only thing she could really feel. But as she had been sat there, staring out into the night sky, the blonde attorney had tried to prepare herself for the onslaught of emotions she would have to deal with. Tried to picture how things would turn out upon going back home.

A large part of that picture, had of course, involved Olivia. Her fear that their time had passed, or that Olivia would resent her for what she did, had eaten at her almost to the point where she didn't go to her apartment that morning. The chance of getting her life back that she had told the Detective about, it had all revolved around her. If refused, Alex would have been gutted. She never had any intention on staying in the program, not really. But she wouldn't have stuck around here, where she would be confronted with Olivia all of the time.

Now, all of that guilt, worries and fear had gone away. She had visited her parents, Olivia had welcomed her with open arms, and she had been given a huge portion of her life back. Her family trust, her apartment, the letter from her Mother. These were tangible things. But the most important things to her, was the love that she had received. And the forgiveness. Those small, abstract words that seemed so insignificant on paper, or to speak. But in meaning and concept, they were the biggest words known to the dictionary.

During her time in witness protection, Alex had found even more time for her to introspect. She had always been a big thinker, and an inside thinker. Her intelligent mind had always asked the big, scary questions, even if she came up short for answers. It was just her way. Working in SVU had limited that time to think. But living in Wisconsin and working at an insurance agency, that gave her all the time she needed to reflect on anything that cared to pop up in her mind. The work was routine and dull, never once satisfying her intellectual appetite. She had stormed through her workload easily, gaining a high level of respect from the other workers, who tended to moan about their workload. Knowing that she no longer had that to not look forward to was a relief. However, she still had the answers to find to her questions.

How would all of this settle with her? She was still living through it. She still had a home in Wisconsin, still had a job and friends and she supposed even a man who thought himself to be her boyfriend. And within her whirlwind homecoming to New York, she had the exact same things. A home, a job, her friends and the woman that worshiped her. There was still so much to do. So much to say. As Emily Osmond she had had no one to talk to about this. But as Alex Cabot, she found it hard to broach the subject of her other life too. Out of guilt, or shame, or pain, Alex wasn't sure. Perhaps a combination of all. She just hoped she would make the right choices, so in her years to come; she could look back on this with settled feelings.

''What you thinking about?''

The soft voice broke through her reverie. Alex had known that the Detective lying in her arms had been awake for a good few minutes now. Unlike Olivia not being able to tell if she was awake or not most of the time, Alex always knew with her. It was the little changes in her lover that tipped her off. She supposed she had studied Olivia to the point of knowing her so well. Either that or she was just far too observant for her own good.

''I have to sign the papers today. To stop being Emily Osmond and be Alex Cabot. I have to sort out my life out there. Tie it up I guess.''

And how exactly did she do that? Tie up a 2-year life she had been forced to build? How did one go about tying up friends? What could she say to them? That she had never been Emily, and she had been biding her time with them? No. The truth was, their friendship had been invaluable to her. They had shown her a completely different way of living. A different way of being. It sounded so movie of the week, but it was true. New Yorkers were a breed of their own, and although Alex was a 'transplant' to the city, she had been infected too. It was so different out there. So different that it had actually shocked her. There was no inner rage, no cruel dispositions. They were just happy having their family, homes, jobs and friends. Life was a lot simpler out there, even though the people themselves were not simple.

''Alex, whatever you need to do you do. However you feel you need to handle this is probably the right way to do it, so I'm not going to stand in the way of that. I understand that you built a life out there, and it's only fair to them and you if you go about this right. Even with Aimery.''

The force of sincerity pushing through Olivia's still sleepy voice was touching. Could there be someone else like her on the whole planet? Alex doubted it. She had managed to find herself the most upstanding woman she could possibly meet. Having her backing to deal with what she had to deal with made it so much easier. Especially when it came to the people who had been in her life for the past 2 years.

Smiling, Alex shifted in her position in the bed, now resting on her side and facing the brunette woman she loved so much. She was so comfortable. Before being taken away, Alex had always loved the feeling of lying in bed with Olivia, cosy and warm. The level of contentment she gained in those moments were almost euphoric to her, having had anxiety since she was young. She loved the intensity of it, and had never shied away from it. On the contrary, it was in moments like these that she had been her most open. The feeling of peace and comfort, joined with the close proximity of the Detective, had always taken the vulnerability out of her. She was thankful that they had been able to slip back into it without a problem.

''They helped me a lot. Made me feel welcomed when I was all alone…''

Alex's voice was barely above a whisper, her eyes feasting on the exposed skin of the other woman, and centring on her striking face as she moved her arm across to push a strand of rebellious dark hair away from her face. A bemused smile danced onto her lips, as she took in the tufts of Olivia's hair sticking out every which way. She was reluctant to say, because Olivia would flat out deny it, that she looked amazingly cute in this state.

''But it was never my life. And it never could be my life. Ever since we started dating, I knew the life I wanted was the one with you in it. It isn't going to be hard for me to sign those papers. What is the hard thing however, is knowing that I can't get out of disappointing and wounding the people who only wanted to help me. But there's not a doubt in my mind that I belong here, with you. And I know that you mean what you just said, but I also know that there's a thread of concern there. So I'm going to tell you, that being apart from you nearly broke me. I thought it had. And there was not one single day that I didn't think about you, or know that if I could be home with you I would have been. I will always, always pick the choice with you in it.''

Alex didn't cease in her stroking of Olivia's hair, making her softly spoken pronouncement that bit more intimate. Her crystal clear blue eyes radiated beautifully, glowing with the honesty and happiness that she was feeling. This was how she tied up her life. By sticking with what felt right. Olivia was right. Alex didn't want her to worry about what she felt for the people in Wisconsin. Didn't want her to feel threatened in anyway. Because as much as she adored her friends back there, she loved Olivia more. In reality, there was no choice. Her hope was that she would stay in contact with her friends.

She would understand why Aimery would step back from that, like she knew he would. He was in love with her and that was her fault. She would have to carry that remorse around with her forever more, which of course she deserved to. She had been idly complicit, as he had fallen for her, when she should have stopped it. There was nothing she could say to him to excuse her actions. His sister however, she knew that after the shock subsided, would understand. After the pangs of hurt at seemingly being abandoned for the glitz of New York died down, Heather would come to understand the bigger picture. Alex knew she would even forgive her of her sins when it came to her brother. Heather would also understand why Alex had to do what was right for her heart.

Leaning forward, Olivia drew Alex in for a slow, languid kiss. Last night, they had been energetic and playful. Enjoying teasing each other after coming home rather merry from the bar. The random and scattered path of their clothes could attest to that. Olivia had no idea how long it took them to get from the front door, up into Alex's bedroom. By that point, they had had a few pit stops to satisfy their needs to actually care. 2 years apart had only served to make their combustible desire for each other so much stronger. Now though, in the soft morning light of the room, and the lazy air surrounding them, they didn't need that rush. This kiss was exploratory. It was deep, and meaningful and full of the love they felt for one another.

**3:30pm **

Unlike yesterday, today was dragging its ass along a long and dusty road. When the DEA had told her she would need to go through a few things with them, Alex didn't assume it would take almost two hours. Her ass had gone numb some time ago, and the very late and vigorous night she had spent with her girlfriend last night was beginning to respond to Agent Hammond's monotonous voice. Alex didn't know who was worse for prattling on, him or Arthur Branch.

Seemingly, the DEA Agent wasn't aware of his dull tone, oblivious to her yawning and fidgeting in her chair. Even though, Alex forced herself to listen to the details. As a lawyer, that's what she had been trained to do. As herself, she needed to close this chapter of her life. So she stayed alert, taking in the details of switching back to Alex Cabot again, and dealing with what she would leave behind. The house she lived in, the savings she had acquired, the car she had bought, the things she had bought. It seemed as though they were going through her stuff as though it was military inventory. Offensive in a way, but shockingly close to the cold truth of it. All the life she had lived in those 2 years, after she had had to let her real one go, right there in black and white. Meaningless. Just lists and boring details before her, being sorted through with an abundant lack of interest on the most part. The thought sent a chill down her spine.

''Miss Cabot? Did you hear me?''

The higher volume in Agent Hammond's dominating voice pierced though her daze, making her blink and grunt as she looked up at him again. He sat across the table from her, and she felt as though she were sitting in the Principal's office again for her insubordination toward her Math tutor for his intimidating students.

''I said that about wraps it all up. You just need to sign in a couple of places, and we'll make a copy for you and your attorney. We'll give the estate agent in Wisconsin his name and contact details, since it's officially out of our hands now.''

Clearing her throat to regain her composure, Alex nodded in understanding. Silently, she leant forward to pick up the pen from the table and signed her name where indicated. After she signed for the last time, Alex realised that she had been holding a breath. Carefully, she let it out again, feeling another layer of pressure relax off of her. Gradually, she was moulding herself into what she wanted to be again. Who she wanted to be.

''Congratulations Alex, I'm glad things took a turn for the better. After all, you had the balls to stand up to a guy like Velez, I'd say you deserved your life back.''

Jack Hammond shuffled the papers together, giving her a genuine, respectful and happy smile. One of a handful she had ever seen him make. During her time in the program, Alex hadn't had much contact with him. After their combative meeting, and after he realised she wasn't to blame for his friends death, he had shown her his respect for what she had done. Still, she couldn't help but smile back at him mischievously.

''Thought I was a pain in the ass?''

She teased, flashing a challenging look toward him. The question only made him smile wider, not being able to fend off the charm of her wiseass nature. From start to finish, Alex Cabot had made her presence known. She had kicked like a mule each and every time she wanted something they said no to, and when they told her something she didn't like. The girl had never lost her fire. He was glad of that, and had always secretly hoped she wouldn't. He had seen far too many people let that spark snuff out.

''You are. You're just not **my** pain in the ass anymore.''

He retorted, a trace of hilarity cracking his flat, deep tone. After which, he stood from his desk and began to walk around it. Following his lead, Alex raised out of her chair and pulled her jacket off the back of it. She walked the expanse of the finely decorated space, stopping at the doorway where he had opened the door for her.

''Thank you, for everything you did for me.''

Alex held out her hand to offer her appreciation, and smiled at him without the mischief now. Just thankfully instead. She knew just how difficult she had been, and appreciated his efforts to make things run as smoothly as possible for her.

''You're welcome.''

The large man shook her hand firmly, then watched as she stepped out into the waiting room where Detective Benson had been waiting for her. The ballsy police Officer had dumped a magazine back onto the table, next to the 4 cups that had come from the hot drinks machine in the corner.

He had often wondered why Alex had fought so hard to make him agree to a meeting with Benson and Stabler back when they had taken her out of the city. The signs were obvious to him now, but for the past 2 years he had never been able to decide whether it was just because they had bonded like family, or if her and Stabler had something going on the side. Stranger things had happened; she was a knock out without question. But as soon as he had seen her in the waiting room with Benson by her side, it had all clicked into place. That was most certainly not a bad thought.

**10:04pm **

Having lost interest in the magazine she had been reading a long while ago, Detective Benson had instead settled her gaze upon her younger lover. After leaving Agent Hammond's office, the couple had decided to do some shopping, after which Alex had cooked for Olivia. The mood had been light and comfortable, as they had chatted in the kitchen and over dinner, rediscovering all the little quirks and details about one another.

After that however, Alex had settled herself on the floor, crossing her legs under the glass coffee table facing where Olivia was slumped over the couch lazily. In front of her, in typical Alex Cabot fashion, she had everything she needed out and organised. The phone, the list and a couple of other things too.

For a good four hours now, Alex had been calling the people from the list in front of her. The VIP's of her life, so to speak. Some family, some friends, some even colleagues that she wanted to know sooner rather than later that she was alive and well, and also back in the city. Setting out to make two separate lists of who needed to know first and who needed to know second seemed to make Alex uncomfortable at first. But the sheer amount of people she knew, it just wasn't feasible for her to tell them all at once. This was the only way.

Smirking softly, Olivia couldn't help but chuckle just a little as Alex said goodbye to yet another list member, then blew at a strand of hair as she tossed the phone back onto the table. Ostensibly strained, she leant forward a little and crossed off the name on the paper in front of her, yet again blowing the seditious stand of hair away from her face, only harder. Olivia could see the attorney becoming more riled up, but couldn't help grin foolishly of just how damn adorable Alex looked blowing at her hair with a downright petulant and childish face.

Finally, Alex just gave in. Instead of blowing at the strand of hair again, she sighed and reached up to move it away from her. Upon doing so, she caught the small but detectable chuckle from her girlfriend. Immediately, grouchy and tired eyes looked up to see the sprawled out brunette watching her, grinning idiotically.

''What's so funny?''

Alex demanded, a slight whine making its way out of her mouth. The sting of annoyance had been liberated from both mood and tone as she had set eyes on Olivia, but the rest still lingered there. After sitting on the floor, explaining time after time that no, it really wasn't a wind up and yes, she really was alive and no, she really wasn't a martyr, it tended to get somewhat tedious. This was definitely a part of getting her life back on track that she could have montage-d through.

''You just looked so adorable trying to blow your hair out of your face. The inner child really came out there!''

Olivia teased lightly; enjoying the playful glare that Alex shot her way for speaking her opinion out loud. Again, she just watched as Alex moved gingerly after being slouching over the coffee table for too long. Stretching out before standing up, Alex remained silent as she headed for the couch. Still with that look of childish grumpiness mixed with innocence, she dumped herself onto the couch next to Olivia. Without asking the Detective, she snuggled into her, then proceeded to move Olivia's arm so it wrapped around her shoulders, so she could wedge herself even further down.

''Comfy?''

Olivia squeaked, a quirked eyebrow directing the question toward the blonde. The truth was, she didn't for a second care about Alex's blatant disregard as to whether or not she was comfortable herself, or had been. She didn't care about her using her as a human pillow. Because she knew that if Alex for one second thought she would be uncomfortable, she wouldn't have done it.

''Yes, very. What you reading?''

Olivia had the magazine at such an angle that Alex couldn't make out what it was. In all honesty, she couldn't even remember which magazine it was. Olivia had picked it up in the store when they had stopped for supplies. She had often been amused at Olivia's obsession with magazines. How an educated professional like her, one that had to deal with what she did, could indulge in silly magazines was beyond her. Why would anybody want to read the trash they produced?

Olivia had once pointed out to her that it may have been a slight case of bitterness. It wasn't as though the Cabot family were strangers to being in such magazines as People. Alex had merely grumbled about it then, as she supposed she would now. But she was reluctant to admit that perhaps it's why she had a dislike for such reading material. And maybe the press in general.

'''10 ways to sexually please your man.' Somehow I don't think they'll work on you!''

Olivia chuckled at the soft thwack she received for her efforts, as well as the pout to go along with it. Launching the magazine into the air, both women watched it until it landed with a soft, satisfying thunk on the coffee table. As it did, Alex entwined Olivia's fingers with her own, resting them on her stomach.

''I've never felt so lost and so secure at the same time.''

Olivia turned her head as best she could toward Alex, surprised at the comment. Talk about out of the blue. Hadn't she been adjusting well so far? Olivia began to be plagued with doubt. What if she had been so happy to have Alex here again, that she had missed something important going on with her? The question caused an unsettled, slightly sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. Until the rest of her told it to calm down. She hadn't missed anything. She had been watching Alex like a hawk, taking in as much as she could. Letting the blonde get through things in her own time, in her own way. This was no different.

''I think you're coping much better than I would.''

Olivia observed softly, running her hand through Alex's hair. Especially in the last few days, Olivia had reflected on how she would have coped in Alex's place. And like she said, she was sure the blonde was doing a much better job than she could make of it.

''Somehow I doubt that. Robert said they're taking my grave out tomorrow. And I have a morning meeting with Arthur. Which means I have to seriously start thinking about what I'll say in my press statement.''

Alex let a slow sigh escape from deep within her as she thought about the tasks still ahead of her. Not only them, but she still had those letters to write. Heather and Aimery would be starting to worry why she hadn't called them. Probably poking holes in her lame ass family emergency story she had left them with.

She also still had her Mother's letter to read. Giant tasks that seemed to be impossible to get through. Especially her Mom's letter. Despite Olivia's assurances that she didn't blame her, Alex still had a small lingering amount of guilt floating in her stomach. And nerves as to what her Mother had to say about her. The one thing she couldn't cope with would be any kind of reproach from her Mom.

''Alex, you're going to do fine. You've always handled the press well, despite your dislike of them. Don't worry; it'll come to you. Just take it one step at a time, okay?''

Alex smiled as Olivia planted a kiss atop her head, adding to the reassurance she was giving her. How Olivia had the ability to make a lot of things seem better or easier, Alex was still in awe of. It was that ability that disarmed quite a few victims; she had seen it happen in front of her eyes many a time. Perhaps it was the safety, or the sincerity that did the trick? Or just the knowledge that Olivia cared deeply? Whatever it was, it worked. Not just on girlfriends, or friends, or victims, or family members…but on suspects too. When they needed to be lulled into a false sense of security. When they needed a 'friend' on their side, someone to connect with. Olivia used it for that too, even though Alex knew it hurt her to do so.

''Will you come with me tomorrow? When they take the grave away?''

Olivia was somewhat surprised by the sudden question, assuming Alex would say something about press statements or which job she would be put into in the DA's office. She didn't expect that Alex herself would want to be there for the removal of the grave. Didn't expect to be requested there to see it for herself either. But if it were something she needed to see, to go there and watch it come out of the ground, reversing her 'death', then Olivia would be there.

''Of course. Just let me know when.''

**4:29am **

Somewhere between sleep and wake, Olivia began to realise that she was alone on her side of the bed. No warm body resting on hers, no entanglement of limbs. The lack of anything Alex struck a lonely note within her, reminding her of the two years of an empty, cold bed.

In an effort to cure the feeling, the Detective sleepily rolled over, stretching out her arm to connect with the blonde wherever she was. She didn't. What she found was more emptiness. And not just emptiness, the bed was also cold, meaning Alex had been gone for sometime.

Cracking open an eye, the brunette scanned the darkness, finding no traces of her lover. More alert now, she sat up and rubbed her eyes before looking around the dark, silent room again. Nothing. A frown began to work its way across Olivia's forehead, as her mind began to wake up. Again, for an instant, she panicked.

Panicked that all of this was some kind of dream meant to torture her. It had happened many times before. Her dreaming of Alex coming back, only to wake up alone and crying as her heart broke all over again. But it lasted only an instant. She knew Alex was here, even before she could smell her in the room. Before she became aware this was Alex's bedroom, and saw the random pieces of clothes strewn around the room. Olivia knew this was real, which brought her to the logical conclusion.

Alex had always suffered problems with sleep. Sometimes she would just lie awake for hours on end at night. Sometimes just holding Olivia and watching her sleep instead. Or she'd spend the midnight hours working, or flicking through TV. She'd even go jogging. Anything, to take her mind off of not being able to sleep. The problem had been longstanding in her history, having suffered it from being a child. Although, as soppy as it sounded, she'd slept a lot more since the start of her relationship with a certain brunette. Again, she was in awe at Olivia's ability to disarm.

It was nearing 2am when Alex had finally untangled herself from the naked Detective, choosing to just pull out a new pair of shorts and a t-shirt to slip on rather than find her scattered clothes in the dark as to not wake the slumbering brunette. Not really having a plan in mind, she had made her way downstairs. She had never planned on going into her office. Hadn't thought about the two letters she had written in there. Never intended on reading the one letter she was dreading on opening. But when one couldn't sleep in the still of the night, odd things could happen.

''Alex?''

Olivia's voice was scratchy from sleep, her hair mussed up and her eyes not fully opened yet as she appeared at the attorney's office door. She had woken up to find Alex gone through the night many times during their relationship. It wasn't as though she herself was a great sleeper, but Alex really struggled with it sometimes. A lot of the time, when Olivia woke to an empty bed, she would find Alex in her office, doing work.

Stepping forward, Olivia approached the now sleeping blonde. The lamp at the side of the desk illuminated Alex's golden hair as she slumped over the desk, head resting in her arms. Her left hand gripped onto the letter her Mother had written her tightly, as though it were her Mother itself. Olivia felt herself sigh, sad for Alex's loss. She knew the pain of loosing a Mother, and not being able to be there when it happened. She was happy that Alex had always gotten along with her Mom though. Something she seemed never to truly accomplish. Too much pain had divided her from Serena Benson. And too much alcohol. Something that Olivia had denied for too many years. The thought was always there, that if she would have been honest with herself she could have helped her Mom. But neither of them had wanted to admit anything.

''Alex…sweetheart, wake up.''

Olivia stroked through Alex's silky hair, and then gripped her shoulder gently. She felt Alex's muscles tense, then her head twitch before it began to move. Slowly at first, just raising it enough to see where she was.

''Oh god…I'm getting too old to sleep at my desk!''

Alex groaned sleepily as she began to sit up at the urge of Olivia's hand, stretching out as best she could at her seat at the desk. There were distinct aches running through her muscles, indicating that falling asleep down here wasn't the best idea for her anymore, although it had never been the comfiest of sleeping positions. But Alex figured she'd take sleep when it offered itself to her, and didn't often argue over the semantics about where in the apartment she was.

Upon getting up, Alex had made herself some tea, deciding to forego the coffee in case she started to drop off again. As she had been standing at the kitchen counter, a litany of thoughts had cascaded through her mind. Options of what she could do in this wakeful period of the night. She hadn't intended on going into her office. But once she found herself in there she decided not to let it go to waste. Instead, she pulled out a writing pad, picked out a pen and began to jot out what she was going to say in her press statement.

_Dear Heather_…

How had that come about? It was the question she asked herself after she pulled her pen away from the paper, at the end of a letter. She signed her name, then realised what it was that she had just written. The whole letter she hadn't really registered what was pouring out of her. The emotions being spilled onto it, everything she wanted to tell, share and explain to Heather. Upon seeing what she had done, Alex decided to make herself some more tea. The still silence of the apartment cocooned her, making her feel removed yet entwined with it at once. It was a bizarre feeling. But she had gotten used to those feelings about the night a long time ago.

''You're not old! But you are cold, you should come back to bed.''

After she had sat down with her second cup of tea, Alex had let whatever had caused her to write Heather's letter take over her again. This time though, the letter was written for Aimery. She went for broke, choosing to be perfectly honest and frank about everything she had felt, and everything she was feeling now. The least she could do was be honest, however much that honesty was going to hurt him. She spoke of Olivia, and the life they had lived before going into WPP. And why she had led him on. That she understood why he wouldn't speak to her again, opting not to have anything to do with her but just break away from it all. Not out of hate, she knew he would never hate her for it. That's just how he was.

After writing the letters, and sealing them up, Alex had felt yet another layer of weight lift up and away from her. She felt better for doing it, even if she hadn't realised at first that she was. Completing them had made her a little more settled, and somewhat more open and confident about these giant tasks. The mood had made her unlock the box her Mother had left her again, and this time, she had opened the letter.

''I wrote my letters, to Heather and Aimery. I never intended to when I came down here, I just didn't want to wake you up. It just happened. And it made me feel…well I'm not sure how to describe it. But whatever it was, compelled me to read the letter my Mom left for me.''

As she stood up and faced her, Olivia noticed the bright look in her lover's eyes. The look of freedom, almost. As if she had just accomplished something remarkable. Which, Olivia supposed, she had. Reading and writing those letters wasn't exactly the easiest feat in the world, she knew. She had picked up on Alex's anticipation at having to deal with them. She also knew, she couldn't help her out with this part. Those letters were private. They were Alex's own. That's why she wasn't going to ask what was in any of them. All she could do was be happy at the light and pleased way it had made Alex.

Leaning forward, Olivia wrapped Alex up in her arms, not knowing any other thing to do. She didn't have any words for this one, so she communicated through the hug. She was proud and pleased for Alex, knowing that now these obstacles were out of the way, things would be a lot easier for the blonde. Things had taken shape, and were taking shape still, extremely well and quickly. Not just because she thought Alex had done a remarkable job and putting things back together, but because of the help she had received to be able to do so.

Silently, not needing to express anything else and after Alex had put her Mother's letter safely away; they padded back toward the bedroom, hand in hand.

**9:38am **

Alex took in a deep breath as she looked around the office. Her office. She had an office again. Oddly enough, she had found herself missing her little office in the DA's office from time to time. Probably because she spent way too much time in it. Second home wouldn't be too much of a push. It had served her well enough though. But now, a new office for a new chapter. It was a lot bigger. The office itself was large, well decorated with bookshelves lining two of the opposing walls. But then behind her desk, there were doors leading to a decent sized private meeting type room. She had to admit, it wasn't too bad at all.

Hearing loud voices from the hall, one of which she thought she recognised, Alex decided to investigate. She hovered by her open door, peering out to see who was causing the ruckus. She smirked as her eyes clapped onto Casey, who was looking about ready to stab the tall man, obviously a lawyer; she was now giving a lecture to.

Alex could tell he was a defence lawyer, he had the look. Not the look some of them had, like some of the PD's who were in it for good reasons, but the smarmy look. The one that told her he had slithered out from some well established, rich law firm. His cocky look began to dissolve as Casey gave him a what for, telling him that his client wasn't exempt from charges because he was rich and flew in the high society pack. After he had been severely chastised, Casey sent him packing down the hall. Angrily, she stood at her office door until he had vanished out of site, then turned back into her office and shut the door. Smirking lopsidedly, Alex pushed herself from the doorframe and strode across the hallway and tapped on the door that had 'C. Novak' printed on the glass.

''Come in.''

From the gruff command, Alex assumed that Casey was either too pissed off to calm down for the next visitor, or she thought it was Mr Smarm coming back for another round. So, with that in mind, she slowly opened the door before sticking her head in hoping that it would stop her from being shouted at.

''Alex!''

At the welcoming tone, Alex judged it was safe enough to come in properly. She reflected Casey's wide smile as she stepped into the large office and shut the door again. Casey's office was exactly like hers, large, well decorated with a meeting room in the back. She guessed that it was all about the glamour on this floor.

''What's that for?''

Alex wondered, quirking an eyebrow at the hefty looking paperweight that Casey was holding up in her right hand. The redhead smiled a little sheepishly, yet with a sweetness and underlying confidence that she somehow managed to portray too. Despite that though, she didn't come across as naïve. Alex doubted anyone observant could claim ADA Novak was anything of the sort.

''Well, I thought you were Sark so I thought I could launch this at him to make him go away!''

Casey explained, apparently grinning foolishly at the mental picture that was obviously floating through her mind right now. There had been a good few lawyers that she had dealt with throughout her career so far that she would love to hurl something at. Or almost had, in some cases. And she was a damn good shot too. She played baseball, basketball…her aim was pretty much bank. She wondered sometimes if she could claim justification if she actually did throw something. Wouldn't most people understand why she'd done it? Probably, considering the targets.

''Oh-kay. That's fair enough. He looked like he'd deserve it.''

Casey nodded, coming back to reality as she put the paperweight back onto her desk and shuffled a couple of papers together. She had heard the mutterings that Alex was starting back today, and she had put it on her timetable to go looking for her office at some point. Now the blonde had already done it for her.

''I came to tell you that we're hallway buddies. My new office is right across.''

Alex pointed behind her, as though she thought Casey needed the extra direction. It was her enthusiasm at starting back that was really at work, not being able to stave off the giddy like mood that had washed over her. She was delighted to be back at work. A work that she had sorely missed in Wisconsin. The challenge of it, the pressure and demand. The fact that she had to be on top of her game 100 of the time. And working for a good cause. Not just dealing with insurance claims. It felt damn good to be back, and she couldn't wait for her first case.

''Really? That's great. I'm glad you're back, I'm hoping that now you are and especially with you being across the hall we could get to know each other?''

Casey wanted to get to know Alex for a couple of different reasons. The obvious one being Olivia. She was Olivia's friend. She didn't want to lose that by not making an effort to befriend Alex. And if they were all friends, it would make life a hell of a lot simpler.

The unobvious was that Casey just thought there was something about Alex she was going to like. She didn't know what exactly, but it was there. She was a pretty easygoing person most of the time, but she still had varied feelings about the new people she met. With Alex she didn't have any doubts that they would get along for some reason.

''Yeah, I'd like that too.''

Alex agreed with a nod. Things were definitely going well. She was still shocked at how fast this had all happened. It was almost as though she had only flown back to New York a couple of days ago. But she had others to thank for helping her get her life back so quickly too. Arthur had been happy to tell her she could literally walk straight back into the office, having lost one of his finest prosecutors to the US Attorney's office. Officially, she started next week. But Alex wanted to get her office sorted out, and go through the open cases that her new squad had, and perhaps some of the old ones to get a feel for the unit.

''So, what department did you get into?''


	7. Chapter 7

**11:14am **

''Will you move in with me?''

Olivia blinked, the only movement that acknowledged that she had heard Alex's question. Then, as her brain worked through the words, she moved her head to look at the reinstated ADA. What she saw was a level of comfort running through Alex that hadn't been there since she had come back. The Alex Cabot spark, if you will. Something Olivia had been watching as it grew steadily as things had progressed. Now, standing here and watching her gravestone being taken out, she seemed to have gotten it back to full pelt. It was amazing to see.

''What?''

Slightly caught off guard, the Detective's voice was whispery and shocked. Alex had barely uttered a word since they had arrived at the cemetery, and Olivia had been giving her the space to process everything. Seemingly, Alex had certain things on her mind.

''I don't expect you to say yes or no straight away. I want you to think about it so…''

In all honesty, Alex had been thinking about this for quite some time. In fact, she had approached the subject in her mind just before she had been taken into the WPP. Now that she was back, now that she had sorted her life out, those thoughts had come back. But she didn't want Olivia to say yes in some knee jerk reaction. She didn't want to rush her, and she didn't want to her to say yes because they had been swept up in all of this for the past few days.

''Yes.''

Olivia replied before Alex could even finish her sentence. She stopped, looking at Olivia with a small smirk as she summed up Olivia's expression. In those dark, sparkling eyes of hers, Alex could see that she meant it. That she didn't need to think about it, because she loved her and this was just their natural progression.

''I think we should look for a new place. A Brownstone maybe? Fresh start.''

Alex suggested lightly, looking down at the ground as she thought about what just happened. Out of all the things that had come about since her arrival, she speculated that this was the best. Between Olivia and her job, the one she would pick if she could only pick one, would have been Olivia. But as luck would have it, she had been given it all back. Of course, she wished her Mom could be here to see her alive and well, but at least she didn't go to her grave still mourning her.

''Okay.''

Alex looked at Olivia again. They stood there, smiling at each other like fools in the middle of a cemetery. Both were as excited as the other. This was going to be interesting.

**3:30pm**

Olivia looked around curiously, watching the commotion that was the pressroom in the DA's office. After returning from the graveyard, the Detective and gone back to the station, promising her girlfriend that she would try to swing by for the press conference she would be speaking at this afternoon. Elliot was following behind her, he too interested in how this whole situation was going to be handle. That, and Alex hadn't told either of them where she would be working. Both of them nodded toward Casey, who was stood nearer the back of the room, arms crossed as she also watched the press set up.

''Hey, here to watch the festivities too?''

He greeted their ADA as they came to a stand next to her. She smiled at them and nodded.

''Yeah. You know what's gunna happen?''

Her question was directed more toward Olivia than Elliot, figuring that Alex at least had to have been less mysterious with her than anyone else. But the Detective shook her head slowly, shrugging lightly.

''No. She was told not to say anything before the conference, that's all I know.''

She replied, still going through in her head why Alex couldn't say anything to her nearest and dearest. She had her office already, but that gave away nothing as to which unit she would be prosecuting for. Or why she had been sworn to secrecy. It was just downright odd. She figured that maybe Alex had managed to snag a higher spot for herself, or was taking over someone else's maybe. She guessed she would find out soon enough.

''Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you all for attending.''

Arthur Branch's booming voice thundered through the microphones that were attached to the stand on the stage. Immediately there was a hush in the room, along with the familiar clicking of cameras, lighting up the room with quick flashes of light.

''Mr Branch, does this press conference have anything to do with the rumours that ADA Ron Carver is resigning from your office?''

One of the more eager reporters shouted out over the quiet din that had enveloped the room. Arthur took in a short breath, looking as mysterious as ever, even though he nodded ever so faintly. Behind him stood Liz Donnelly, and Ron Carver himself. There were another couple of people that the Detective's didn't recognise, but there was no sign of Alex.

''Indeed it has Mr Collins. Amongst other things. Ron Carver has been an extremely valued member of the DA's office, and is one of the most highly skilled prosecutors I've had the good grace to come across. Both I and the DA's office will be sad to loose him. Ron?''

Stepping back, Arthur indicated Ron to step up to the stand, which he did so quietly. Adjusting his jacket, Ron cleared his throat as he looked down for a moment, obviously composing in his mind what he had to say.

''I will keep this short. My time in the District Attorney's office has brought me a wealth of experience and pride, and I have learnt invaluable lessons. Prosecuting for the Major Crimes Unit has been a fulfilling challenge. However, the rumours are true, that I am moving on to the US Attorney's Office. Thank you.''

Ron nodded, before stepping back and letting Arthur take point again. The reporters asked questions and took pictures, before hushing again as Arthur held up a hand for them to stop.

''Do you have a replacement for Mr Carver?''

Another reporter asked, eager to find out who exactly would be stepping into Carver's shoes. His rather big shoes, at Major Crimes.

''Yes. Someone I think you would all least likely expect. I am happy to announce, thankfully, after her safe return, that Alexandra Cabot will once again be joining the DA's office and will be taking Mr Carver's place as special prosecutor of Major Crimes.''

There was a shocked twittering amongst the reporters, all looking around dubiously. Casey, Olivia and Elliot looked between each other, each with a certain look of surprise on their faces.

''Way to go Alex!''

Casey enthused quietly, impressed that her newfound friend had managed to square herself quite the score.

''Is this a joke?''

A reporter demanded.

''Alexandra Cabot died two years ago.''

Another one pointed out. Arthur just smiled, nodding in agreement as he stepped back from the podium and looked to the side of the press stage where Alex had been waiting. Nodding at her once, she walked out, immediately receiving gasps of shock as the pictures began as well as the questions. Like Arthur had a moment ago, Alex held up her hand to holt the speculations as she came to a stand at the podium. She saw her two friends as well as her girlfriend at the back of the room, her eyes greeting them secretly for a moment before she looked over the confused reporters.

''After attempting to prosecute a Lt from a Columbian drug cartel for the rape and murder of an undercover NYPD Officer two years ago, my life was threatened by Cesar Velez, the head of the cartel. Subsequently, I was shot. After going through surgery, the DEA told me I was officially dead, and took me into the Witness Protection Programme. I am extremely grateful to the DEA, and specifically to the Agent's that were involved in my protection. I am able to stand here today, after their hard work to disassemble Cesar Velez's cartel, therefore ending the threat to my life. I would also like to thank Mr Branch, for giving me the opportunity to return to the District Attorney's office, where I will resume my duties as a prosecutor. I am eager to resume these duties in the Major Crime Unit, and also wish Ron Carver every luck in the US Attorney's office. I will do my best to maintain the level of excellence and standard that he has set before me. Thank you.''

Despite the objection of the reporters, Alex stepped back, moving to stand next to Liz after Arthur shook her hand. Liz said something to her, making her smile lightly as the older woman gave her an encouraging pat on the back.

''Even though I am sad to loose a wonderful prosecutor, I am both happy and thankful to regain one that was thought lost. I believe Ron Carver will do extremely brilliant things within the US Attorney's Office, just as Miss Cabot will in this one. Thank you all for coming.''

With that, the press conference was over. The amazed reporters tried to get some more quotes out of the attorney's on the stage, but were unsuccessful. The four of them remained their, standing together and talking as the press finally started to file out, hurrying back to their respective papers or news stations to hand over the information that they had received today. Elliot and Olivia both excused themselves too, after getting beeped back to the station. Casey said goodbye to them, before moving forward through the thinning crowd and stepping up to the stage. She nodded her regard to Alex, who noticed her approached first.

''Nice speech!''

She complimented, earning herself a thankful smile from her fellow attorney.

''Thanks Casey.''

Casey looked at Ron Carver, a man that she had only met a couple of times here and there, but respected for his prosecution skills. She offered out her hand toward him politely, to which he took.

''Congratulations on the US Attorney's Office Mr Carver.''

Ron nodded, as unreadable as ever.

''Thank you Miss Novak.''

Casey just smiled, looking at Liz as she stood up straight and cleared her throat.

''Well, now that's over and done with, it's about time we all got back to work.''

**Two weeks later**

Alex had only officially been the special prosecutor for Major Crimes for a week. As these things tended to go, she had been thrown right into the deep end, immediately taking over the cases that Ron Carver had been working on, and rolling with the new ones that her new Detectives took to her. It felt good to be back, and despite the immediate heavy workload, she knew she wouldn't have it any other way.

Over the past two weeks, Olivia had practically moved into her apartment as they had started looking for a new place together. They had eased back into their relationship, picking up where they left off, although with a new level of intimacy after being apart for so long. Alex had taken over the Cabot estate, and Robert had lived up to his word and taken care of most of her legal issues. And of course, there had been a party thrown in her honour, even though she insisted that she didn't want one. Evidently, no one had listened. But it was still nice to connect with friends and family again.

''Alexandra, it's a pleasure to see you in my courtroom again. Welcome back.''

Alex smirked at Lena Petrovsky, thinking it somewhat ironic that the first court appearance that she had was before her. They had a long and slightly troubled relationship, but deep down they liked each other nonetheless. They just hated one another's politics sometimes. Lena Petrovsky was actually an old family friend, that Alex remembered arguing with as an idealistic teenager.

''Thank you Judge.''

Alex replied, the thrill of being back in the courtroom and the upcoming prosecution filling her up. She was as confident as ever, ready to do what came naturally.

''Are you ready to try your case, Counsellor?''

Alex nodded, briefly switching her powerful gaze over to the defence table, eyeing up the defendant, before looking at Trevor Langen. Once again, she considered going up against him as somewhat ironic. It certainly felt like old times.

''Absolutely.''

**The End.**


End file.
